The Duchess

Every now and then my memories ache*

It would seem that tomorrow (or rather today when most people will read this) is my least favorite day. I can find nothing good about the day this year. Some years this anniversary sneaks up on me, here before I know it gone before I feel it, leaving a bitter taste in it's wake. Other years the dread starts a few weeks out, the questions start to crop up, the doubt sneaks in, the sad middle right below the sarcastic exterior.

Tomorrow, the twenty-fourth, marks the 19th anniversary of my father's death. This year feels so particularly hard, I have spent the last few weeks inside my own head trying to figure out why but nothing seems reasonable to me. Nothing seems so big that 19 years later I would be so darn sad. I would have assumed I would be numb to it.

Ahhhh Grief, you are one sneaky mistress.

I recently became somewhat obsessed preoccupied with remembering the last time I saw my father. Or rather the last time we saw each other. I remember very vividly the last time I saw my father down to the room and everything and everyone in it. I remember the last fight we had, something stupid and pre-teenish on my part, exasperation on his end. I remember the last phone call. I remember the first phone call of the new forever. But no matter how hard I try I can't remember the last time we hugged.

Or laughed.

I often feel like a baby for still missing him as much as I do. I'm not sure where or when I decided that grief has a time limit. Dude. It totally doesn't. It is a major bummer to realize that there will be more moments for the rest of my life where I feel this intense...there really are no words to describe this particular blend of emotion.

Someone tried to compare the death of my father to the choice absence of theirs. It was not a choice for him to go (forty-eight is too young for anyone). I can't hire a detective to track him down or send him letters and hope for a response. Oh, how I wish he would have had the foresight to write each of us letters. Nothing long or dramatic but just something. Anything.

So *sigh* nineteen years, sometimes it feels like nineteen minutes and sometimes like nineteen lifetimes. So much has changed in the world and in my life but one thing remains, steadfast and clear, I love him just as much today as I did nineteen years ago.

   

 

*From the song Now and Then by Adkins, Adele Laurie Blue

 

 

 

Interesting

So what's new Internet? Not much here, no one is dead, I'm not knocked up or down for that matter, just business as usual. I went to Blogher awhile back and I realized something

Wait for it

I am way (like WAY) more fun in person. I'm super funny, intelligent and awesome but it just doesn't translate on this here blog. Also my name is Jenn. Not Duchess. That nickname was all cute and funny at 25 when this shit started but at almost 31 it's time to give it up. Sure I'm still narcissistic enough to think I rule my own world but truth is I don't even rule my car most days (special shout-out to the tiny humans who have in fact taken over and demand shit like food and the song Slippery Fish to be sung over and over and over).

So yeah, that's it. I wish there was more, I wish I was doing something super exciting or you know badass but I'm not. I get up I drink stupid amounts of coffee, I rarely shower or tweet, I try not to step on the babies and remember to feed them, I sometimes forget to drink water - like at all, I go to work at night come home watch TV and sometimes poke the tiny humans to make sure they are breathing, I get up when they squall in the middle of the night and then the day starts over - except Thursday's then I shower and go to marriage counseling and then mortgage my kidney to pay for the babysitter. It is an underwhelming existence but somebody has got to do it (did I mention my new nickname is somebody).

Anywho, I hope your worlds are rotating at a more exciting speed (it's like watching frickin' paint dry around here) maybe some day I will change this blog up and make it true to my badass form but that seems like a lot of work (volunteers?)

Oh snap, I almost forgot, here is a picture of the tiny humans...not so tiny anymore.

 image courtsey of http://www.daveeblu.com/

Need a little....

I'm posting over hereTODAY

Go check it out!

I mean it head over there!

Welcome

Born on Wednesday March 3rd at 9:01am weighing 6.14 lbs and 18.75 inches long:

Claire Elizabeth

welcomed with love

 

*birth story to come as soon as I am not nursing around the clock and chasing Sasha - so you know sometime in the next five years *

 

39 weeks and the last night as a family of three

Tomorrow morning is the big morning, I can't believe this is already over and the next chapter is starting. I am scheduled for a repeat c-section. While my posting has been spotty I have so much to say but for now I say see you on the flip side.

Free...kind of.

Quick update from yesterday...

BP was down slightly

135/83

172/68

130/75

My urine was out of whack...usually I would have grilled Doc Bowtie for the exact information I know it was 30- so that told me no protein but he did mention I am swollen...DUH. So no Idea what the 30 is if you know please enlighten me I was just so relieved to hear I could roam free (but no more work) and that I could go two weeks (unless BP goes way up or I hit that wall we don't talk about) that I didn't pay attention to the rest of the stuff. Except that glorious heartbeat, that I could listen to for hours.

Bedtime

Wow, my third post this week, somebody give me a medal! This is just a quick update...from my bed.

On Thursday I was feeling very - off. My head hurt and I was feeling gross and nauseated and my eye floaters seemed worse. I have had these black eye floaters for awhile and my doctor has been more than aware of them (I also had them when I was pregnant with S.) but since everything else has been mostly in check there has been little cause for concern. I chalked feeling like crap up to the fact that I'm not sleeping well and let's face it nothing feels great at almost 34 weeks pregnant.

After spending some time on Skype with my sister and chatting with two of the most hilarious people ever, I was preparing to hit the hay when I was hit with the worst pain ever under my ribs (right side) I called my sister, NP extraordinaire (3am her time - oops) and asked her what I should do, first things first she wanted to know my BP, which has been hovering around 115-120 over 60-70, so I dusted off machine and replaced the batteries (I had checked it on Monday and somehow left the thing on) and waited the 90 or so seconds for the readout.

140-95

Uh-Oh. I called Doc Bowtie the next morning and spent most of yesterday afternoon early evening being evaluated. I had another u/s to rule out gallbladder issues and my BP checked repeatedly and PIH blood-work and then he told me modified bed rest, heavy on the actual bed part for the weekend and I will be re-evaluated on Tuesday. That being said if I hit a wall between now and then I am to go straight to L&D.

I had PIH with Sasha although it didn't hit until closer to 37 weeks, I want to hit 37 weeks with this baby so I am in bed today, staring at the ceiling bored with TV finding it unfair that shape magazine had the audacity to send my subscription to me, don't they know that the only shape I am in is round these days?

Anyhow, that is all from these parts for now, perhaps my boredom will get the best of me and I will add a spiffy photo update later.

Absurd

I hit publish on Monday and breathed a huge sigh of relief to put that story out there, to have people help carry a little of the fear and doubt.

Then I went to dinner on Tuesday we were meeting my SIL and BIL (they are my husband's stepmother's son and wife...but we like them so much we would choose them for family) and their two kids. I had been looking forward to the outing all day and was fully unprepared for the news they would deliver.

A good family friend (and my SIL's best friend) found out on Monday that her baby had passed away, her and I have been trading notes on and off throughout our pregnancies as she is only a week behind me. She felt decreased movement on Sunday and when she went in on Monday the baby had already died. After a very long a difficult induction she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this morning.

For obvious reasons I am physically staying far away from the family but I was able to help set up Now I Lay me Down to Sleep and after talking to the wonderful JDEGirl I was able to pass on sound advice that helped my SIL feel more prepared for today's events and the events that are to come in the following weeks.

I feel horrible that they have to go through this, I feel sick that it came on the heels of me telling her my story and I feel guilty that my baby is okay and hers is not. Her story is not mine to tell and the only reason I am writing about it is that when it came time to set up the crib on Wednesday night I found myself almost shouting NO at Duke. That and the nightmares I have had the last two nights and the panic attack I had at dinner tell me how affected I really am, so I am doing the only thing I know to do and that is turn to you to help me shoulder some of the fear, guilt and sadness.

I thought I needed distance

I had thought I would take a week and let a little of the fear subside that was at 27 weeks and tomorrow I will be 33w. Every time I try and sit down to write this I think to myself what is the point, the outcome was good, why dwell? Oh and how I do dwell in the dark hours when my stomach is silent and feels almost vacant.

I went to work as normal on week 27 day 3 and felt just awful, but then again what else is new when I am pregnant, the difference being that my legs were round swollen tree trunks and my head was stuck in a vice. I could hardly concentrate on anything going on because my head hurt so badly but I remember thinking when was the last time this baby moved? After I dragged my ass home and to bed nothing improved and by morning I realized it had been almost 12 hours since she had kicked, rolled, danced...moved. I called the doctor (around 9 in the morning) knowing they would send me for an NST, I had the same problem with S. and to be honest I figured I would go in they would roll their eyes and I would be on my way in an 45 minutes an hour tops.

If your new here (thanks twitter) you may not know but I had NSTs for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy first do to lack of fetal movement and then for possible PIH, this is good and bad; good in that I know almost every nurse in L&D, bad that I know when things are going downhill (or maybe that comes for being on the IF block) It started off as always with awesome nurse S. (a 20yr vet of L&D) coming in and getting the info and getting the monitor up and running and then she couldn't get the baby on the monitor.

It was silent in my stomach, sure a bowel tone here and maybe one there but it just sounded vacant, she tried for almost 10 minutes straight moving me this way that way, at this point I was calm, babies hide, 27 weekers are not always predictable on monitors I was running every story, fact, tale over and over in my head. After 12 minutes (yes I was keeping track what the hell else should I have done) she said she was going to call for ultrasound and I saw it. It was brief and just a flicker but it was pure fear on her face and then it was gone. Enter awesome nurse D. (30yr vet of L&D) and the doppler, I immediately relaxed, doppler would find the heartbeat faster than ultrasound could get off their ass and roll down the hall. D. and I were chatting as she got the goop out to put on my stomach, she had been my nurse the day I was put on modified rest during my last pregnancy so we had spent some time together, we chatted about the holidays and she fired up the dop (as I like to call it) and nothing.

Nothing.

S. came back in to say U/S was on their way and then they exchanged a look I will never forget and S. stopped mid-sentence and left the room. D. tried for 11 minutes with the doppler. 660 seconds and by second 480 when she asked if there was someone she could call to be with me I lost my shit.

It was doing the silent ugly cry where you are trying to hold it in and your whole body turns red and according to D. if I didn't start breathing I was going to be in trouble, my own heart rate was in the 180's as though if I could just make mine beat harder hers would be found.

The next thing I knew my doctor (Doc Bowtie) was in the room and seconds later the u/s machine showed up, I was trying to calm down telling myself there was nothing I could do falling apart at this moment wasn't going to change the outcome. There was nothing I could do, I must have repeated that a hundred times over in my head.

DocBowtie found her but could not locate the heartbeat, she was turned all weird D. and S. were holding hands, it was another seven or so minutes before he was able to (thanks old u/s machine may you be taken outside and put down office space style) actually see the heartbeat and at one point he actually yelled at me to look the arm was moving, couldn't I see the arm moving, he was holding still did I see it now? then he turned to S. and said get me the high res. machine NOW.

It ended well, she is fine, I am fine, S. cried but I have no doubt that she too will be okay and D. asked if she could spank the baby when she is born. I spent the next eight hours being monitored, most of it with S. holding the monitor in place because this baby would just not cooperate with anyone. I had a bio-feedback done and it was perfect, I was evaluated by Doc No-Personality (mat.fetal spec.) and after all that I was sent home, changed but fine. I pray those are the longest 30 minutes I ever feel; I know there are no guarantees. I had been skeptical and at arms distance this whole pregnancy until that day. It was only then I understood that no matter how hard I tried to be logical about everything my heart was in deep.

I could want all the distance in the world but there is no space in parenting and that is more than fine with me. 

31 weeks

You have all been so patient I feel you deserve some pictures of my ever widening girth. These were taken on New Year's Eve and yes I dressed like a disco ball on purpose.

Happy New Year!