I was going to publish a post today about my participation in Relay For Life. Instead I have to talk about what has been weighing on our minds for the last week in our house.
Madeline Alice Spohr, seventeen months old, died. You read that right, she died and it has shaken me. I never have commented on Heather's blog but I, like so many others, silently followed their journey. Maddie was such a smart, beautiful presence and reading about her made me even more excited to have a daughter of my own. I hoped Sasha would be half as happy as gorgeous Maddie.
Since having Sasha I don't log on to my blog, email, facebook or google reader very often. Heck I don't do the dishes or laundry or sometimes even leave the house. I am ensconced in this little creature that is my child. When I did log into my google reader and found this news last week I burst into tears and then made Duke come in and read and watch the tribute. He sat and cried with me for we both can't imagine how horrifically hard impossible this must be on Heather and Mike.
Duke had once asked me if I felt like I know the people of the blogs I follow. At first it seemed creepy when I said yes but as I thought more about it I realized that some of the people who read this very blog know more about me than my family, friends or even husband at times. I share a great deal of my life, dreams and disappointments here. Progress, setbacks, fear and happiness. When I share those things I am always amazed at how perfect strangers know how to make me feel better. Or if not better than at least less alone.
Grief is a funny thing, and I have said this before, it isn't just emotional steps that you take and then magically all is right with you again. Grief is with you forever, sometimes quietly in the back of your mind and sometimes shouting in your face at two in the morning. Grief is yours to take out and put back as you need to. When I get Sasha up in the morning and I look at all the potential in her little face and the pride and excitement to start her day, I am quite literally taken back by the thought that every day with her is a gift and that being her mother is a privilege not a given.
I have wanted to email Heather a dozen times but what would I say? I wish I lived closer to them and then I could have made a casserole or done their laundry. Alexa said it best as she often does, I don't want there to be a tomorrow. I don't want the memories of Madeline to end with her memorial service. So I am doing the only thing I can think of. I am writing this and I am wearing purple. It isn't much but it's what I have. Sasha and I are wearing purple today and when people have asked me why we are dressed alike I have responded that it is in honor and memory of a brave, brilliant and beautiful girl named Madeline. I promise to never forget Madeline. Never.
If you can please donate to the March of Dimes in Madeline's name. You can find other information here on how to donate to Mike and Heather directly. This community is a wonderful group of people and I have no doubts that you will share your comfort and love with Heather and Mike just like you have done for me countless times.
This breaks my heart. Thanks for the posting I will be sure to keep them in my prayers.
Posted by: Crystal Faulk | April 22, 2009 at 01:11 AM
So sad. I have a friend whose 5 year old daughter just had a bone marrow transplant for leukemia. It isn't taking, and she is back in the hospital. My daughter is 5. It could just as well be her.
Life is so unfair sometimes. Why do small children die of cancer and death row inmates live until they are 80? Maybe when I'm dead I'll understand it all, but right now, it just hurts.
I'll keep your friends in my prayers. I can't imagine their pain.
Posted by: Allison | May 03, 2009 at 05:01 PM