I hope your sitting down....

I'm Pregnant.

How are you feeling? Do you need a glass of water? Just breathe deeply; I myself could use a whole bottle of vodka.

Are you ready for the super gut kicker...I am 9w1d. This means I conceived just days before my D&C and implantation occurred just days after. I have been feeling sick for weeks but blamed it one thing or another seeing as how I had not had sex since the D&C there was no way I could be pregnant. When I actually threw my cookies on Sunday and then again on Monday I knew something was wrong so I called the Doctor.

They told me he would not order a beta because there was such one in a billion odds that I could be pregnant, he would however test my iron and other hormone levels, the nurse called me around two on Monday and said the lab sheet was ready for me whenever. I loaded S. into the car in 100 degree weather with her pissed and me exhausted and drove all the way across town to pick up the lab sheet, I get down to the lab and they inform me that I would need to fast before being drawn.

Now totally pissed that the nurse had me drive all the way over there to turn around and drive home and come back the next day I stomped back upstairs and promptly lost my shit, I was quickly shoved ushered into an exam room and told a nurse would be with me shortly.

She came in and I just started to cry, I told her how awful I felt and that I have only ever felt this way twice and BOTH times I was pregnant. I told her I was mad that they wouldn't test me, it is my nickel after all and if I want to throw it away on a blood test what do they care? She said she would speak to Doc Bowtie and be right back with me.

I then sat there shaking, what if I was right? Could we survive another ectopic as there was no way (famous last thought) this could be viable. How stupid am I? What was I thinking? I tried to tell myself to calm down but I already had hives on my chest and was shaking. Nurse "I so don't believe you" came back into my room and told me they would do a urine test, you know just so I would calm down. I went and did my business and less than 3 minutes later she returned to the room, "The Doctor will be in to see you shortly, I'm so sorry"

I knew this meant I would have to have surgery; I am not a candidate for the methotrexate shots. I switched into emergency mode and began to try and get a hold of Duke so he could come and take S. and drop her off at his parent's. I called my work and told them I had a medical emergency and as soon as I knew how long I would be gone I would call and update them. Doc Bowtie had to run off and deliver a baby so I had to wait a little over an hour to have an ultrasound.

At this point Duke had arrived and taken S. to play down the hall so I was alone with Nurse Super Love and Doc Bowtie, we started the ultrasound and his jaw dropped, there in my uterus was a small 8w6d embryo, heart beating, arm buds waving bouncing around.

I started to hyperventilate.

This is not what we had planned and yes I do know how babies are made. Duke is over the moon with excitement and I feel lost and alone and overwhelmed. I had a horrible pregnancy with S. followed by an even worse postpartum. I am considered a threatened miscarriage again because I have been bleeding on and off.

I want to be happy, I know how special this is, we had decided within the last few weeks that we would not cycle again and instead we would just enjoy the gift we have with S. I wish I could shake this feeling that I have done something so wrong. I feel like I have robbed S. of her babyhood and irrevocably changed our lives for ever.

I feel overwhelmed and alone and sad and guilty and stupid. Then I feel even guiltier for feeling all of those things, I should be happy, I should be over the moon after all we went through to have S.

I have been trying to think of how to write this for the last two days wanting to tread carefully for those who are still in the trenches, for those who would kill to find out they were pregnant. In truth this is my space about my life, good, bad and ugly. I understand if some feel angry about how I feel, I am angry at myself for feeling this way but this is my place to be honest and so honest I will be.

I need support and maybe a hug and someone to tell me it will be okay and that I haven’t ruined everything and that it’s okay that I just want to cry and not jump up and down today, that I will get there and we will make it.

Comments

[nic @mybottlesup]

holding you close...

[Maura]

Oh, honey, you have a right to every emotion you're feeling. That's what makes us human.

I've never been where you are right now, but I feel strongly that you haven't robbed S. of ANYTHING and you are so not stupid.

It WILL be okay and I think you need a little more time to absorb everything before you feel that way too.

I'm sending you all the hugs one can possibly send long-distance and if you want to cry, I have an absorbent shoulder. XOXO

[AMomTwoBoys]

WOW.

I'd love to jump up and down, and squee and all that, but I totally get how you're feeling.

So, when you're ready for jumping up an down and squeeing, let me know.

Until then, love and hugs and good, positive vibes being sent your way.

S is a lucky kid to have you for a mom.

[Lu]

Just feel what you feel and take it minute by minute. (HUGS)

[melissa]

Here's a hug. You tell it like you feel it. This is your place to do that.

[Avasmommy]

You are strong. You can do this. Like I said to you before, S is lucky to have you. You are not robbing her of anything. You are giving her something precious. Neither of you may see it for many years to come, but there is a bond between siblings (most anyway), born of shared experiences that is very unique and special. Being close together will only enhance that.

Besides, now S will have someone to blame when she gets in trouble. :)

Love you. Always, always here if you need me. xoxoxo

[Ben]

You're not alone. And I don't just mean us Twitter dorks. Lean on the Duke. Feel how you feel. And it will all be good.

And kick me when you get tired of hearing me say that. I won't stop, but you know, I'll stand further away from you when I do.

[AmazingGreis]

Congrats. I'm thinking about you and sending good thoughts and vibes your way.

XOXO

[followthatdog]

I can understand how conflicted you feel given the circumstances. I hope you find some peace with it. And it is never bad to ask for a hug or support when you need it.

[Maya]

Big hug!!!

As a person who has had a ROUGH pregnancy in the past (and not an easy road getting pg).. I understand.

Every child is a blessing, and each one will effect you in a diff way.

[Jenny]

This is my first time reading your blog (I came to your site after @BJHenry tweeted that you needed hugs), and WOW. I can't imagine how you must be feeling! Hang in there, and know that many people are keeping you and your family in their thoughts and prayers.

[Jennifer]

Oh hugs!!!!! I am so afraid to get pregnant again, and I relate to your feelings. Congrats though congrats!!!

[Issa]

Oh honey. Congrats. Seriously. But I get the fear. God I get that completely. All you can do is take it one day at a time. One day the happiness will come, when you're ready for it. When the time has passed and you feel like this is real. (don't worry about how long either..took me 7 months with H.) Until then, tell it like you want. This is your space. Cry all you want. And love on your baby girl. Because she'll be okay, as long as you are okay. Truly.

Tons of hugs to you sweetie.

(oy and sorry, I sent a tweet, before I read past sentence one.)

[alison]

Big hugs. And deep breaths. This will be ok. You're totally entitled to feel how you feel... don't deny yourself that or it'll just make it worse.

I peed on a stick on Saturday just KNOWING it would be positive and miraculously it was negative. I was ecstatic. j was super disappointed. It's easy for guys to want another bayyybee when they don't go through the physical aspect of bringing it to life.

Just big hugs. And prayers.

And seriously? You guys make adorable babies. That helps. ;o)

[Jessica]

My first time to your site (alison sent me via twitter!) but I immediately understood your feelings. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant, tons of procedures and tests, and were blessed to adopt our son in December.

Then, out of the blue, I wound up pregnant. I had no idea until I was 8 weeks along. And my first instinct was to cry and freak out. I was not happy at all, mostly because I felt like I was robbing our son of precious time with us.

It's been a few weeks now since we got that positive result. The idea is growing on me, I'm not mad anymore and I'm not crying anymore. But I would say I'm still not ecstatic. It's totally normal to feel that way...I'll be thinking about you and following your story. I know how it feels to feel guilty, upset, and sad about something you worked so hard for at one time.

Life is strange.

[Karen Sugarpants]

Thinking of you today - big hugs.

[Andrea's Sweet Life]

It's Ok to feel this way - you WILL get there, eventually. You are not robbing S of anything at all. She'll adapt, and you'll adapt, and things will be GOOD.

In the meantime, get you some good grub, a great movie, and some comfy jammies.

[Lawmommy]

Wow. That's incredible. I totally, completely and 100% understand that you would not feel like jumping up and down right now.

The odds of this are just so incredibly slim.

This is your place to pour your heart out - you need to be able to be honest here.

Hugs. ((())
G

[becky]

i can totally see how you'd feel this way. you WILL make it. things WILL be ok. this baby is blessed to have ALL three of you in his/her life. :)

[Sonia]

Say whatever you need to say here, it's your space.
At risk of sounding like a jackass, can I say how excited I am for you? When I read that line 'I'm pregnant', I immediately burst into excited laughter.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with the news. I'm so sorry you're struggling with your fears. I don't have any idea how to get around that stuff. I never overcame the fear after my two miscarriages, TO get pregnant again and see how I'd feel. Please know that there are a lot of us out here, rooting you on, and sending all the love and good vibes we can!! Thinking about you, and hoping for the best!

[Sanya]

Oh my! I totally understand why you are feeling overwhelmed, but a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to you 3! It's true, be careful what you wish for :) Be scared, be worried. It's all going to be great though! Babyhood comes & goes, siblings are forever!

[Katie]

So one time at dinner I was lucky enough to meet you (I told you about Dr. Bowtie). I have been a dedicated reader ever since. You are such an honest writer I feel as though I know you, so I will tell you what I would tell any friend in this situation. I love you, it's ok, you are a wonderful mother and nothing is going to change that. Sleep, things are always better, and much more rational, after a good sleep (I know this will be hard with the baby).
This could be the most wonderful gift you could ever give Baby S. someone to share her life with like no one else can. Or absolute worse case senario it could be another very painful chapter, but no matter what you still have your wonderful husband and your perfect baby. You will make it, because you are an incredible, strong, gifted, loving person, and darnit people like you. (I borrowed that last part from Stewart Smalley but, I really do mean it). Try to smile and just live each day as best you can, and thats all you can do.

[PrincessJenn]

Still doing the happy dance on your behalf. All of us will be there to hold your hand when you need it (or your hair, if it comes to that). We'll be your support, your cheering squad, and your shoulder to cry on. I know this is all so overwhelming for you right now. But remember to allow yourself the time to adjust. You're allowed to be shocked, dismayed, whatever you want to feel. It's OK. And it will get better, because you have friends who love and support you.

[grublet]

Now is that some crazy sh*t or what?! Having just had #2 I totally understand where you're at with how you're feeling about S. Dooce pretty much summed up how I felt with her post "family of four".

Hope you figure it all out soon. Whatever happens, things will work out. Thinking of you!

[Carrie]

It's a lot to process right now, that's for sure. I offer you strength and peace.