I thought I needed distance

I had thought I would take a week and let a little of the fear subside that was at 27 weeks and tomorrow I will be 33w. Every time I try and sit down to write this I think to myself what is the point, the outcome was good, why dwell? Oh and how I do dwell in the dark hours when my stomach is silent and feels almost vacant.

I went to work as normal on week 27 day 3 and felt just awful, but then again what else is new when I am pregnant, the difference being that my legs were round swollen tree trunks and my head was stuck in a vice. I could hardly concentrate on anything going on because my head hurt so badly but I remember thinking when was the last time this baby moved? After I dragged my ass home and to bed nothing improved and by morning I realized it had been almost 12 hours since she had kicked, rolled, danced...moved. I called the doctor (around 9 in the morning) knowing they would send me for an NST, I had the same problem with S. and to be honest I figured I would go in they would roll their eyes and I would be on my way in an 45 minutes an hour tops.

If your new here (thanks twitter) you may not know but I had NSTs for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy first do to lack of fetal movement and then for possible PIH, this is good and bad; good in that I know almost every nurse in L&D, bad that I know when things are going downhill (or maybe that comes for being on the IF block) It started off as always with awesome nurse S. (a 20yr vet of L&D) coming in and getting the info and getting the monitor up and running and then she couldn't get the baby on the monitor.

It was silent in my stomach, sure a bowel tone here and maybe one there but it just sounded vacant, she tried for almost 10 minutes straight moving me this way that way, at this point I was calm, babies hide, 27 weekers are not always predictable on monitors I was running every story, fact, tale over and over in my head. After 12 minutes (yes I was keeping track what the hell else should I have done) she said she was going to call for ultrasound and I saw it. It was brief and just a flicker but it was pure fear on her face and then it was gone. Enter awesome nurse D. (30yr vet of L&D) and the doppler, I immediately relaxed, doppler would find the heartbeat faster than ultrasound could get off their ass and roll down the hall. D. and I were chatting as she got the goop out to put on my stomach, she had been my nurse the day I was put on modified rest during my last pregnancy so we had spent some time together, we chatted about the holidays and she fired up the dop (as I like to call it) and nothing.

Nothing.

S. came back in to say U/S was on their way and then they exchanged a look I will never forget and S. stopped mid-sentence and left the room. D. tried for 11 minutes with the doppler. 660 seconds and by second 480 when she asked if there was someone she could call to be with me I lost my shit.

It was doing the silent ugly cry where you are trying to hold it in and your whole body turns red and according to D. if I didn't start breathing I was going to be in trouble, my own heart rate was in the 180's as though if I could just make mine beat harder hers would be found.

The next thing I knew my doctor (Doc Bowtie) was in the room and seconds later the u/s machine showed up, I was trying to calm down telling myself there was nothing I could do falling apart at this moment wasn't going to change the outcome. There was nothing I could do, I must have repeated that a hundred times over in my head.

DocBowtie found her but could not locate the heartbeat, she was turned all weird D. and S. were holding hands, it was another seven or so minutes before he was able to (thanks old u/s machine may you be taken outside and put down office space style) actually see the heartbeat and at one point he actually yelled at me to look the arm was moving, couldn't I see the arm moving, he was holding still did I see it now? then he turned to S. and said get me the high res. machine NOW.

It ended well, she is fine, I am fine, S. cried but I have no doubt that she too will be okay and D. asked if she could spank the baby when she is born. I spent the next eight hours being monitored, most of it with S. holding the monitor in place because this baby would just not cooperate with anyone. I had a bio-feedback done and it was perfect, I was evaluated by Doc No-Personality (mat.fetal spec.) and after all that I was sent home, changed but fine. I pray those are the longest 30 minutes I ever feel; I know there are no guarantees. I had been skeptical and at arms distance this whole pregnancy until that day. It was only then I understood that no matter how hard I tried to be logical about everything my heart was in deep.

I could want all the distance in the world but there is no space in parenting and that is more than fine with me. 

Comments

[Kel]

God I felt sick reading that. Hell on earth. I found that in my pregnancy with RJ, because it had taken so long to get her, I just stayed distant the entire time. It worried the crap out of me that I was, but I just had to. Despite knowing, like you, that I was fooling myself trying to be distant from her, I just was that freaking scared, I didn't know how not to do it! Can't imagine your moment of relief. Thank god.

[PrincessJenn]

Such big hugs.
I'm glad everything is OK
Wish I had been there to hold your hand through it all.

[Jessica]

I've never commented here before, but I've been reading for a long time. There was a moment when I was holding my breath, waiting to read what happened next. I'm glad things continue to be okay, and am sorry that you had to go through this period of anxiety, worry, and complete and total fear.

[elizabeth]

So glad she is fine. How heart-stoppingly awful to experience those eternal minutes.

[Carrie]

OH my word, hun! I stopped breathing as I was reading this, I can't even begin to imagine the fear and panic you had.

Are you on bedrest now?

[Lex - @laprimera]

wow! I think I held my breath the whole time I read this. I can't imagine how it must have felt for you. Big relief!!! hugs to you! Take care of you, k?

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

Oh, god. How incredibly scary. I am so sorry you had to endure that. It must've been sheer hell. I had been kind of annoyed at my doc's insistence that she do ultrasounds at every appointment (two in one day the day of my NT scan felt like overkill), but every time, before every appointment, I'm panicked, and I'm glad that they insist on doing the u/s. And after reading this, I am glad that they never waste time with the doppler and always go straight to the u/s. There have been one or two times in the past when they couldn't locate a heartbeat immediately, but could see movement, and so we were able to be reassured immediately that they were okay.

I am just still so sorry for you having to experience that kind of horrible uncertainty. Just so sorry.

[Issa]

That is one of the scariest things I've read in a long time...and I already knew about it.

I am so thankful that she's just stubborn. Stubborn but fine. So glad for you. Hugs honey. I hope the next few weeks are uneventful and fly by.

[Nixgrim]

Thank God she's okay. I had the same realisation with mine in the 3rd tri. I also tried to keep distance, but we also had a scare (although not HALF as terrifying as yours!!) and that's when I realised that distance is impossible. Once that baby is conceived, you're involved and attached and your heart is in deep. You're a mother. That's what mothers are and no amount of running away can change it.

Enjoy the last few weeks. They are so precious and it looks like she's stubborn enough to stick around to breathe air.

[Al_Pal]

OH lord, how terrifying! Gah. ;(
*HUGS*

[Kellee]

I'm not a parent, so I can't possibly understand, but my heart was in deep just reading it anyway. So glad things turned out for the best.