(written Friday afternoon...Duke has now moved my camera somewhere and we can't find it)
I am trying to get the post I promised with pictures of the new and old house up but my damn camera died and yada yada yada I figured that while I wait for the battery to charge so that I can take a picture of the Kingdom I will entertain you with a story about my boobs.
I have boobs, two of them to be exact and they are a mighty bountiful twosome at that. I have been busty since the tender age of 14 when I woke one day to find my 34 C's bursting out of my jockey trainer...literally overnight. As the years passed and small children grew so did my bosom. By the time I hit 25 I was wearing a 34 DDD and now at the ripe age of 28 I seem to have settled into a 36G as in Good Golly are those real?!? Yes, sadly they are real, I would never pay to have myself subjected to the kind of attention they garner. they are large and uncomfortable and in the way when I want to golf, run, buy a button down shirt, you get the picture. However they are mine and yes I have dreamed thought of having them reduced but when I went for the consultation I was 23 and decided to wait until after I had kids...and you know how well that has gone for me. For now they are stuck to my chest. I will say that I have been lucky to have found a great sports bra that allows me to run(when not swollen with child) and that I found a very nice bra boutique in Portland that keeps my breasts adorned in the latest rebar and tenting material.
That being said I no longer live in Portland and it is not convenient to drive four hours when I need a bra. I have gotten around this so far by buying in bulk once or twice a year...except for this year. After years of reading story after story of what pregnancy does to your breasts I have to be honest that my biggest fear of actually getting pregnant was not the eventual birth but what might happen to the laddies. We had somehow reached a sort of peace treaty in which I would continue to house, feed and support them if they refused to grow anymore. It was a nice agreement and as days turned to weeks turned to months I had felt lucky (not lucky enough to say it out loud but definitely to think it in a very quiet way) that my breasts really had not changed much, sure things were getting a bit snug but that didn't happen until a week or so ago.
Today I called on my trusty friend google to find me a bra store in Southern Oregon. It came back with one option. One. So i called them and asked if they carried the brand, style and size I am looking for and if they had sizes in the surrounding numbers. I even went so far as to give her the style number from my bra. She assured me that not only did they have what I was seeking but that they had a fairly wide selection of stock. As quick as Kris Kringle I hopped to my car (and burned my ass on the leather seat since it is still 90+ here)and speed down the freeway a short twenty minutes later I was naked in the dressing room being measured. It appears that I am right in between a G and a GG. No problem she assured she would be right back with the bra I had called on.
I should know that nothing is ever that easy.
She returned with six bras that resembled NOTHING like the one I had called about. "Oh that style, no we don't have it in That Exact style but these are similar." to which I wanted to say look bitch I would not have driven all the way across town while in the middle of trying to move and pack for a work trip and gestating life had you been HONEST and told me that you didn't have what I needed. Instead I said I would give them a go. The first three were all lacy and frankly they sucked. I like a nice firm bra (See rebar and tenting..I don't care if it is pretty, the jig is up, Duke knows what is going on under there) with great support, I truly believe that is the reason i do not have back pain or shoulder grooves, common complaints made by my big busted buddies. I tried on another two with the same lack of support and while I was trying to explain to her why they didn't work for me she interrupted me and said this:
Bra Bitch: I feel that because you are pregnant you have unrealistic expectations of what a bra can do for you.
she went on to say something about breast tissue but I was too busy mental taking her apart to listen.
Duchess: Withering look
BB: yada yada yada
Duchess: I am sorry that you feel I, The Customer, have an Unrealistic Expectation of the product you are presenting me. Indeed if you consider a bra that allows my breasts to move from my clavicle all the way to my belly button when i walk or a bra with a band that does not lay flat on my torso at a cost of $70.00 a pop to be acceptable and Realistic then I feel as though I have failed to communicate what I am looking for.
BB: Oh I think we are talking about two different things.
D: It would appear to be that way. Do you have anything (holding up bra I just arrived in) that is this style and manufacturer.
BB: I believe I do hold on.
In the end I bought one bra because I really needed it for the upcoming trip it is pretty close to the one I wanted but is not seamless. Then I marched home called my favorite bra store in Portland and was helped immediately. A plan was hatched and when I am in Portland during September all will be righted with my chest.