Okay so I have a whole post brewing about the big upcoming move but first I have some news from the home front.
I don't often talk about my family because I am totally scared of being outed. We are great grudge holders and many of us have VERY sensitive feelings. In short we can be v.v.v. vicious. I have a few older sisters and I have a younger (half) brother and a stepsister. I have not seen my stepsister since the day of my father's funeral. I have seen my brother once. One time in 14 years. It was by mistake. One month after my father's funeral (I was thirteen) my stepmother* asked me to not contact them again. I am sure she had her reasons. There was a battle over the will (between my mother and stepmother) and I am positive more than one hurtful accusation was hurled.
For years I would fantasize about running into them and they would think I was this super cool and neat girl and they would feel all shitty about not wanting me to be part of their family. They would basically beg me to come to dinner with them and they would lavish upon me compliments and tell me of their remorse (I have a rather large imagination). In reality I did nothing. I never phoned their house again. I sent Christmas cards and birthday cards to my brother and nothing to my stepmother or stepsister**.I figured when he turned 18 he could decided for himself if he wanted a relationship with me. I was very angry, biter, sad. I had already lost my father and now it felt as though I had lost my whole other family too.***
This situation of the "cards only" relationship has gone on for 14 very long years. He turned 18 this spring and I initiated the first contact since the January of 1992. It turns out he is going to play college football in the small town we are moving to.
We are having dinner tonight. It will be the first time I have seen him since he was 10 and even then it was only for about fifteen minutes. A whole dinner with just him and me. I am scared shitless. What if he hates me? What if he says he really doesn't want anything to do with me? What if my family finds out that I have made contact and I didn't tell them? What if he thinks I am old and boring? I just don't know what to say next.
*Also my relationship with my stepmother was never the best. I always felt like I was "cheating" on my own mother.
**I did/do still dream very vividly about them.
*** I should probably mention that I lived within this family for about 3 years****, not just on weekends. I moved home to my mother's house when it was determined that my father was terminal and probably had less than 6 months to go.
****I did live with them on weekends for the 4 previous years
