The Duchess

To My Dearest.

My Dearest Sasha,

I have been meaning to write this letter to you since about month seven of my pregnancy. I had bought a baby book and there was a special envelope for a letter to baby from Mommy. I haven't gotten around to putting a letter on actual paper but believe me my dear I write to you daily in my head.

I am having surgery in the morning and while I expect to be home and whining by dinnertime this last year has taught me that life can and will change in an instant and it is important to seize the time you have when you have it. These things are important to me and I hope someday we will sit and laugh at how I was afraid and so I wrote them all down. My hope is by the time you are old enough to need this advice you will be very sick of hearing it. From me. This is not a full list, which will go in the baby book, but this is a good start.

Things to Remember

You are so loved. You were so wanted and loved before I ever met the you that you are. I longed for you, dreamed for you, and craved you. The day that we met was easily the best and worst day, imagine having everything you have dreamed of handed to you in a 7.7 pound squalling package, everyone looks to the mom for answers but the truth is that we were just meeting for the first time (I have never felt that kind of fear and joy at the same time) and I had no clue what I was doing. Before you I had never seen what innately good really was. Your spirit and joy for everything around you is infectious as is your constant smile and laughter. Your eyes are so wise it is almost like you are saying not to worry you and I will be okay, we will take this adventure together.

Be kind to everyone you meet. There is never a reason to be mean to people, you never know what is going on in their lives and you never know when you may need help from someone. The same goes for if you are having a bad time, there is no reason to take it out on others. You would be surprised how far a kind word and smile will get you. Always smile at other women; this may seem weird for me to say but something happens around middle school and girls can be mean and awkward and a smile can disarm a situation like nothing else. Also you are stunning inside and out when you smile.

Be fair and honest, lying never helps anything and unless you memory is flawless it usually catches up with you. Be kind to all the people you meet. Always tip 20%. If the service is awful go with 15% trust me the server will get the message with a 15% tip, they may be having a bad night but they are still tipping out every other person in the restaurant (that's right sometimes as much as 40 percent of what they are tipped). Donate generously whether it be time or money there is nothing more rewarding than knowing you have given to help make the world better (Go ask Grandma to tell you the starfish story)

People will say things to you, about you and sometimes for you. Own your voice and know that you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let ANYONE tell you there is ANYTHING wrong with you. My biggest regret in life has been my over concern of what other people think of me. In the end you have to like you, also please make sure you love yourself before you ever try and love someone else. Never compromise your morals or potential just to make someone else happy.

Drink Slurpees in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter, go on spring break, please don't TP houses (Again go ask Grandma to tell you the story about Aunt C.) Get a job learn how to drive a stick, sleep in, go to the beach, love all music, travel, love, live.

If you ever can't talk to me you can always talk to Aunt J. She can answer anything and everything plus she knows more about beauty products than any human should and she is good at math and making mac and cheese. She can fill in the blanks and hold your hand when need be. She rescued me when I didn't even know I was lost. She is the perfect example of choosing your family. Not all family shares blood with you, you create and surround yourself with those people who are genuine. Some of the best people in life are friends.

Your father is a good, caring man;  he loves you fiercely and would do anything for you. Be patient with him, you are his little lady and that will never change. You will always be the tiny girl that he brought home in ladybug pajamas. Yes his love of golf is annoying but so is my shoe collection and coffee habit.

I wanted to name you Lorelai...any questions about that one can be answered by the Gilmore Girls and your father.

I love you bug and I will do anything in my power to make sure you and I go on this adventure together, even in the mandatory teenage hating years I will win you back one emo song, latte, and Nordstrom trip at a time.

You are now and forever my greatest joy.

Love,

Your Mom

Wordless Wednesday: Purple For Maddie

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A Dark Day

I was going to publish a post today about my participation in Relay For Life. Instead I have to talk about what has been weighing on our minds for the last week in our house.

Madeline Alice Spohr, seventeen months old, died. You read that right, she died and it has shaken me. I never have commented on Heather's blog but I, like so many others, silently followed their journey. Maddie was such a smart, beautiful presence and reading about her made me even more excited to have a daughter of my own. I hoped Sasha would be half as happy as gorgeous Maddie.

Since having Sasha I don't log on to my blog, email, facebook or google reader very often. Heck I don't do the dishes or laundry or sometimes even leave the house. I am ensconced in this little creature that is my child. When I did log into my google reader and found this news last week I burst into tears and then made Duke come in and read and watch the tribute. He sat and cried with me for we both can't imagine how horrifically hard impossible this must be on Heather and Mike.

Duke had once asked me if I felt like I know the people of the blogs I follow. At first it seemed creepy when I said yes but as I thought more about it I realized that some of the people who read this very blog know more about me than my family, friends or even husband at times. I share a great deal of my life, dreams and disappointments here. Progress, setbacks, fear and happiness. When I share those things I am always amazed at how perfect strangers know how to make me feel better. Or if not better than at least less alone.

Grief is a funny thing, and I have said this before, it isn't just emotional steps that you take and then magically all is right with you again. Grief is with you forever, sometimes quietly in the back of your mind and sometimes shouting in your face at two in the morning. Grief is yours to take out and put back as you need to. When I get Sasha up in the morning and I look at all the potential in her little face and the pride and excitement to start her day, I am quite literally taken back by the thought that every day with her is a gift and that being her mother is a privilege not a given.

I have wanted to email Heather a dozen times but what would I say? I wish I lived closer to them and then I could have made a casserole or done their laundry. Alexa said it best as she often does, I don't want there to be a tomorrow. I don't want the memories of Madeline to end with her memorial service. So I am doing the only thing I can think of. I am writing this and I am wearing purple. It isn't much but it's what I have. Sasha and I are wearing purple today and when people have asked me why we are dressed alike I have responded that it is in honor and memory of a brave, brilliant and beautiful girl named Madeline. I promise to never forget Madeline. Never.

If you can please donate to the March of Dimes in Madeline's name. You can find other information here on how to donate to Mike and Heather directly. This community is a wonderful group of people and I have no doubts that you will share your comfort and love with Heather and Mike just like you have done for me countless times. 

No Words

I have tried for days to write this post and in the end I decided to check my Google reader instead. Emily at Not That You Asked has written a post about their dear friends Brian and Katie who has a beautiful 16 month old daughter who was just diagnosed, operated on and will soon begin a very invasive course of treatment. All of the details are over at Emily's and there is a huge Donate button on the left. There has already been a huge outpouring of support but as we all know there can never be enough love and in the world of medical treatments there can never be enough money. Please, please, please click over and give - whether it be kind words, prayers or monetarily.

It was a very rough week here in the kingdom, on Tuesday night I began bleeding very heavily and bright with small clots. I phoned Doc Wonder and he said if I began filling a pad every hour I was to head straight to the ER and he explained that if I started to pass tissue what I should look for and that I needed to come in first thing in the morning.

I made it through the night and when I went in the next morning we started the ultrasound - first with the screen turned away from me. To say it was tense in the room was an understatement; I don't think any of us were breathing. Doc Wonder's exhalation was actually audible and he swung the screen towards me. There was our baby bouncing around with a heart rate of 189. Moving its arm buds up to its face and kicking its tiny leg buds. I was shocked, the nurse was shocked, and the doc was shocked. He commented that the baby was picking "her"(we switch at each visit) nose to which I replied that was a Duke trait and then he said, "This is one tough kid Duchess, I have to be honest I was very worried."

Yeah, that toughness, she gets that from me.

We could find no source for the bleeding and no current blood flow going where it shouldn't be. Growth is right on track and I was sent home to relax. I am on complete vaginal rest until further notice - which I had already been on since week seven. I am officially 9w0d today and every single day feels like a small victory.

A small bit of advice for the fertile folk

So I am not sure if I have mentioned this or not but I work in a restaurant a few nights each week, in our house we jokingly call it my magazine and bubblegum money. In truth it is my infertility and car payment money. After living here for almost a year and not being able to find a job in my field and then trying the whole airline industry thing (man was I lost at the time) and then still not being able to find a job, well, let's just say the prospect of one more day inside my house was not appealing. I chose to go back to the work of my college days mostly because I could work when I wanted and make great money and still play golf and lay out by the pool during the day...anywho, I digress.

DISCLAIMER: If you have never been infertile and are about to read this, please don't view it as an attack against you. I am just having a bad week, a week in which they are raising my hormones, a week in which my hope is melting and this poor woman just happened to step in this very puddle on a night when I was tired and cranky, in fact she was a very nice woman and who knows what she had to go through to get where she is.

If you are sat in my section and are approximately .87994654 seconds pregnant please do not keep going on and on and ON about how sad you are to not have caffeine or how angry you are that your husband can have the Ahi tuna but you can not and please for the FUCKING LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD DO NOT ASK ME TO BE SYMPATHETIC TO YOUR CAFFEINE/FISH ISSUE. Really, I am happy for you and your husband and your three thousand relatives (of whom seven were at the table calling out baby names). Just please don't ever say to me again"You must know how that is" because honey, I have NO idea.

Update #2

I spoke to the Duchess this morning.

She had to have her left fallopian tube removed. They also removed some scar tissue from her left ovary. She basically had an entire 6 week embryo in her fallopian tube.

She handled the surgery very well and they might let her go home this evening.

This whole situation is so unfair, but she's really being a trooper about it.

Please continue to send good vibes her way.

UPDATE

Hi everyone. This is Torrie. I just got off the phone with Duchess and I wanted to give everyone an update.
Her HCG was tested this morning and the news was not good. Her level shot up to over 2,000 (after being at 326 on Friday night). This is an indication that there is an ectopic pregnancy that is not resolving itself.
Duchess is on the way to the hospital as I type this. She needs to have emergency laparoscopic surgery. There is a possibility that they will have to remove one of her fallopian tubes.

This situation makes me question why the universe feels the need to keep shitting on such a wonderful person. I am very angry at the universe right now.

PLEASE send all the good vibes you can muster towards the Duchess. She really needs them.

I promise I'll update again the minute I find out more.

(If you have any questions please go to my blog and click on the "email me" link in the right sidebar.)

They Say Stress Won't Get You Pregnant OR Fun With Ectopic Pregnancy

Let me start this by saying I am okay. My disappearance is due to a major emotional freak out - or so I thought. Let me start at the beginning...you may want to get popcorn for this one.

The last post I wrote was about how the Reds had come to town, except they never really did. I had some cramping and some spotting (old stuff, not new) and then I had one day of some regular spotting (still old stuff) and then it all stopped. What the post didn't include was the fact that I was v.v.v. emotional and I had been feeling very sick and unable to eat very much. I chalked it all up to the stress of my sister's situation never thinking I might actually be pregnant. At one point I thought about taking a test on what I thought was CD 30 but what I now realize was CD 34 (I had forgotten the printout of my charting calendar at home) but I just knew I wasn't so why waste the twenty bucks.

Fast forward to Monday the 13th, I am home now and out of the stressful situation and yet I am still very worked up, I feel sick every time I eat and I cry at everything, I figure I am finally losing it over all the changes that have taken place this year and I call my Mom and tell her I think I need antidepressants. She tells me it will be all okay and so on and so forth, I weigh myself and realize I have lost six pounds, strangely this makes me feel better for a minute but then the Duke thanked me for doing his laundry and I started to cry.

On Thursday night I was watching a movie with the Duke when I started having the most intense cramping of my life. It was bad enough that I paged my doctor in Portland; I was also spotting again (I can assure you I have NEVER had two periods in one month). She told me to take 4 Adv*l and 2 Tylen*l and if that didn't work she would call in some vic*din for me, also I was to go in for a Beta hCG in the morning. I took all the Adv*l and Tylen*l and an Ativ*n for good measure and went to sleep in the morning I was still spotting but no cramps so I went in for the blood test and then met my editor and then I came home to wait for the word. The phone rang at 3:47 my beta was 489. I needed to go straight to the emergency room and be checked out

I was pregnant. 

I only let it sink in for a moment before calling Duke to come home and taking a HPT - I wanted tangible evidence that this was happening - finally happening. Duke got here in about 4 minutes flat and by 4:30 I was checked into the local emergency room. Six (!!!!) attempts to get my IV started and 3 people later my blood was drawn, a pelvic confirmed my cervix was closed and then an hour and a half ultrasound showed something in my left tube. I should have been measuring about 6w but there was no way, my body was already taking its natural course. My Beta had already fallen to 326 in about twelve hours. An Ob/GYN was called in to make the final call on whether surgery was needed (thank god it wasn't) and in the end two nasty huge injections of methotrexate would finish the process. We got home around midnight and I have been in bed since then.

This has been truly bittersweet for Duke and me. We know now that we can get pregnant. It is a first for both of us. True it ended - but it happened. I have lots to say on how I am feeling emotionally but that will come in the next few days, for now I just wanted to get the facts down because as sure as the track marks on my arms will fade so will the clarity of this situation.

I have a repeat Beta tomorrow and a Doctor’s appointment in the afternoon. The doctor that I am seeing is the same one who came to the ER, ironically she was one of the Doctor’s I was looking at for down here. She was wonderful and so far I feel good about her.

That’s all for now, I am starting to cramp and I feel tired and Gilmore Girls is on, god love the Gilmore girls.

Baby It's Cold Outside

So a quick update before I go and poach myself in the bathtub. It is C.O.L.D. here. I had forgotten just how freezing a northern Canadian winter can be. It has been snowing on and off and the roads are now covered and slick - just a little different than the mid to high 60 degree weather at my house in Southern Oregon.

My sister seems to be doing fine. There is really no outward appearance of anything being wrong, she does seem a little bloated in the evening but hell who isn't when slamming the steroids.

Today is CD 29. That's all. I didn't even bring a test with me - or tampons for that matter so I guess no matter what I will be making a trip to the store tomorrow.

All in all the trip is going fine. It is good to see my sister. My brother-in-law is in town until tomorrow night and their relationship is stressed at best so that has been hard to deal with. I know he means well but he has so much anger about stupid shit she has done (she got into trouble with some rental properties a few years back) and it seems like every conversation ends up back there with yelling. Actually I was so fed up with it the other day that I stood up and left the room, ten minutes later he was still yelling so I went back in there and basically told him to can it because I am trying to grow life and I don't need the stress of his yelling. Now I highly doubt that I am actually pregnant but it did shut him up. I wish he could just let it go for now and understand that we have bigger fish to fry.

That's all from the North today, now if you will kindly excuse me I must go and poach.

All My Bags Are Packed

I am leaving in the morning for Portland (anyone want to have lunch?) to see some friends and my other sister and my mom. On Friday afternoon I have a hair appointment (thank god) and then I catch a flight around 7 and I get into Edmonton at about 1am (once again anyone want to have lunch?)

I have been procrastinating about packing and cleaning and working out and making dinner - I do seem to get all these things done in the day but it is taking me longer than usual. Some of the shock has worn off, thank you all for the nice comments, your good thoughts, prayers, vibes, whatever you have to give is so welcome and appreciated. I will have full Internet access while I am gone and I will be updating when I can. I think they are going to do the biopsy the first part of next week.

Which brings me to the subject of babies, we stayed on track and had sex about three trillion times. I will know on the 7th if it worked. I can't say I am worked up about it either way, at this point it would be some welcome happy news for my family and yet I will feel guilty being upset if I am not - in the face of everything else going on.

In the last few days the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps this is why I am not pregnant. Maybe the universe knew I was going to have to travel and had I gotten pregnant 6-8 months ago I wouldn't be able to do that.

The universe works in incredible ways and I am optimistic that it will all work out they way it has to in good time.