The Duchess

Every now and then my memories ache*

It would seem that tomorrow (or rather today when most people will read this) is my least favorite day. I can find nothing good about the day this year. Some years this anniversary sneaks up on me, here before I know it gone before I feel it, leaving a bitter taste in it's wake. Other years the dread starts a few weeks out, the questions start to crop up, the doubt sneaks in, the sad middle right below the sarcastic exterior.

Tomorrow, the twenty-fourth, marks the 19th anniversary of my father's death. This year feels so particularly hard, I have spent the last few weeks inside my own head trying to figure out why but nothing seems reasonable to me. Nothing seems so big that 19 years later I would be so darn sad. I would have assumed I would be numb to it.

Ahhhh Grief, you are one sneaky mistress.

I recently became somewhat obsessed preoccupied with remembering the last time I saw my father. Or rather the last time we saw each other. I remember very vividly the last time I saw my father down to the room and everything and everyone in it. I remember the last fight we had, something stupid and pre-teenish on my part, exasperation on his end. I remember the last phone call. I remember the first phone call of the new forever. But no matter how hard I try I can't remember the last time we hugged.

Or laughed.

I often feel like a baby for still missing him as much as I do. I'm not sure where or when I decided that grief has a time limit. Dude. It totally doesn't. It is a major bummer to realize that there will be more moments for the rest of my life where I feel this intense...there really are no words to describe this particular blend of emotion.

Someone tried to compare the death of my father to the choice absence of theirs. It was not a choice for him to go (forty-eight is too young for anyone). I can't hire a detective to track him down or send him letters and hope for a response. Oh, how I wish he would have had the foresight to write each of us letters. Nothing long or dramatic but just something. Anything.

So *sigh* nineteen years, sometimes it feels like nineteen minutes and sometimes like nineteen lifetimes. So much has changed in the world and in my life but one thing remains, steadfast and clear, I love him just as much today as I did nineteen years ago.

   

 

*From the song Now and Then by Adkins, Adele Laurie Blue

 

 

 

Absurd

I hit publish on Monday and breathed a huge sigh of relief to put that story out there, to have people help carry a little of the fear and doubt.

Then I went to dinner on Tuesday we were meeting my SIL and BIL (they are my husband's stepmother's son and wife...but we like them so much we would choose them for family) and their two kids. I had been looking forward to the outing all day and was fully unprepared for the news they would deliver.

A good family friend (and my SIL's best friend) found out on Monday that her baby had passed away, her and I have been trading notes on and off throughout our pregnancies as she is only a week behind me. She felt decreased movement on Sunday and when she went in on Monday the baby had already died. After a very long a difficult induction she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this morning.

For obvious reasons I am physically staying far away from the family but I was able to help set up Now I Lay me Down to Sleep and after talking to the wonderful JDEGirl I was able to pass on sound advice that helped my SIL feel more prepared for today's events and the events that are to come in the following weeks.

I feel horrible that they have to go through this, I feel sick that it came on the heels of me telling her my story and I feel guilty that my baby is okay and hers is not. Her story is not mine to tell and the only reason I am writing about it is that when it came time to set up the crib on Wednesday night I found myself almost shouting NO at Duke. That and the nightmares I have had the last two nights and the panic attack I had at dinner tell me how affected I really am, so I am doing the only thing I know to do and that is turn to you to help me shoulder some of the fear, guilt and sadness.

Purple Roses

It happened at Costco. I was just trying to waddle through the crowds and there in the flower section was bouquet after bouquet of purple roses, they were your favorite. I stopped and stared for a moment and let my mind wander. What would it be like if you were still here? Would I have to decided between you and mom for the holidays? Would you spoil S.? Would you think me irresponsible for having a second baby so soon? Would you be proud? Would you notice the purple roses in a small vase in your guest room?

It has been 18 years since our last Christmas morning together and I miss you more this year than any other.

Not what I intended to write...

I logged on to my google reader tonight, after a long day of car travel, with great excitement, a few bloggers I have been following since my days at the Lost and Found table are expecting babies and I hoped someone had popped over the weekend.

In truth I started following Cece because she was on my list of people, I kept following her because she was fun to read, so different from me and yet so very much in the same boat; we both WANTED a baby. I am lame and have no hobbies, Cece knits and bakes and decorates and remodels, she is crafty and smart and sweet leaving me kind messages and overall just rocking. We both became pregnant within weeks of each other me via IUI and her IVF she was due before me and had Hulk via C-section. When she found out that she was pregnant with spontaneous twins due right around the time of her son's first birthday I couldn't believe it, I may have even giggled and thought that could never happen to me.

Needless to say finding myself in a different but similar spontaneous situation just a few months later had me running to her blog for comfort and another dose of Cece's can-do spirit.

She gave birth to beautiful twin girls on the 29Th of November and it is with the heaviest heart that I say one of her daughter's Nora passed away on Friday the day before Hulk's first birthday. I am writing this in the hope that you will go over to her site and offer words of love, encouragement and hope and also congratulations to Hulk on hitting a very major milestone. I haven't always been the best at leaving comments but as we all know they are verbal gold in times of need. Please go now and share your kindness and love with someone who has always taken time to share herself with us.

To My Dearest.

My Dearest Sasha,

I have been meaning to write this letter to you since about month seven of my pregnancy. I had bought a baby book and there was a special envelope for a letter to baby from Mommy. I haven't gotten around to putting a letter on actual paper but believe me my dear I write to you daily in my head.

I am having surgery in the morning and while I expect to be home and whining by dinnertime this last year has taught me that life can and will change in an instant and it is important to seize the time you have when you have it. These things are important to me and I hope someday we will sit and laugh at how I was afraid and so I wrote them all down. My hope is by the time you are old enough to need this advice you will be very sick of hearing it. From me. This is not a full list, which will go in the baby book, but this is a good start.

Things to Remember

You are so loved. You were so wanted and loved before I ever met the you that you are. I longed for you, dreamed for you, and craved you. The day that we met was easily the best and worst day, imagine having everything you have dreamed of handed to you in a 7.7 pound squalling package, everyone looks to the mom for answers but the truth is that we were just meeting for the first time (I have never felt that kind of fear and joy at the same time) and I had no clue what I was doing. Before you I had never seen what innately good really was. Your spirit and joy for everything around you is infectious as is your constant smile and laughter. Your eyes are so wise it is almost like you are saying not to worry you and I will be okay, we will take this adventure together.

Be kind to everyone you meet. There is never a reason to be mean to people, you never know what is going on in their lives and you never know when you may need help from someone. The same goes for if you are having a bad time, there is no reason to take it out on others. You would be surprised how far a kind word and smile will get you. Always smile at other women; this may seem weird for me to say but something happens around middle school and girls can be mean and awkward and a smile can disarm a situation like nothing else. Also you are stunning inside and out when you smile.

Be fair and honest, lying never helps anything and unless you memory is flawless it usually catches up with you. Be kind to all the people you meet. Always tip 20%. If the service is awful go with 15% trust me the server will get the message with a 15% tip, they may be having a bad night but they are still tipping out every other person in the restaurant (that's right sometimes as much as 40 percent of what they are tipped). Donate generously whether it be time or money there is nothing more rewarding than knowing you have given to help make the world better (Go ask Grandma to tell you the starfish story)

People will say things to you, about you and sometimes for you. Own your voice and know that you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let ANYONE tell you there is ANYTHING wrong with you. My biggest regret in life has been my over concern of what other people think of me. In the end you have to like you, also please make sure you love yourself before you ever try and love someone else. Never compromise your morals or potential just to make someone else happy.

Drink Slurpees in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter, go on spring break, please don't TP houses (Again go ask Grandma to tell you the story about Aunt C.) Get a job learn how to drive a stick, sleep in, go to the beach, love all music, travel, love, live.

If you ever can't talk to me you can always talk to Aunt J. She can answer anything and everything plus she knows more about beauty products than any human should and she is good at math and making mac and cheese. She can fill in the blanks and hold your hand when need be. She rescued me when I didn't even know I was lost. She is the perfect example of choosing your family. Not all family shares blood with you, you create and surround yourself with those people who are genuine. Some of the best people in life are friends.

Your father is a good, caring man;  he loves you fiercely and would do anything for you. Be patient with him, you are his little lady and that will never change. You will always be the tiny girl that he brought home in ladybug pajamas. Yes his love of golf is annoying but so is my shoe collection and coffee habit.

I wanted to name you Lorelai...any questions about that one can be answered by the Gilmore Girls and your father.

I love you bug and I will do anything in my power to make sure you and I go on this adventure together, even in the mandatory teenage hating years I will win you back one emo song, latte, and Nordstrom trip at a time.

You are now and forever my greatest joy.

Love,

Your Mom

Wordless Wednesday: Purple For Maddie

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A Dark Day

I was going to publish a post today about my participation in Relay For Life. Instead I have to talk about what has been weighing on our minds for the last week in our house.

Madeline Alice Spohr, seventeen months old, died. You read that right, she died and it has shaken me. I never have commented on Heather's blog but I, like so many others, silently followed their journey. Maddie was such a smart, beautiful presence and reading about her made me even more excited to have a daughter of my own. I hoped Sasha would be half as happy as gorgeous Maddie.

Since having Sasha I don't log on to my blog, email, facebook or google reader very often. Heck I don't do the dishes or laundry or sometimes even leave the house. I am ensconced in this little creature that is my child. When I did log into my google reader and found this news last week I burst into tears and then made Duke come in and read and watch the tribute. He sat and cried with me for we both can't imagine how horrifically hard impossible this must be on Heather and Mike.

Duke had once asked me if I felt like I know the people of the blogs I follow. At first it seemed creepy when I said yes but as I thought more about it I realized that some of the people who read this very blog know more about me than my family, friends or even husband at times. I share a great deal of my life, dreams and disappointments here. Progress, setbacks, fear and happiness. When I share those things I am always amazed at how perfect strangers know how to make me feel better. Or if not better than at least less alone.

Grief is a funny thing, and I have said this before, it isn't just emotional steps that you take and then magically all is right with you again. Grief is with you forever, sometimes quietly in the back of your mind and sometimes shouting in your face at two in the morning. Grief is yours to take out and put back as you need to. When I get Sasha up in the morning and I look at all the potential in her little face and the pride and excitement to start her day, I am quite literally taken back by the thought that every day with her is a gift and that being her mother is a privilege not a given.

I have wanted to email Heather a dozen times but what would I say? I wish I lived closer to them and then I could have made a casserole or done their laundry. Alexa said it best as she often does, I don't want there to be a tomorrow. I don't want the memories of Madeline to end with her memorial service. So I am doing the only thing I can think of. I am writing this and I am wearing purple. It isn't much but it's what I have. Sasha and I are wearing purple today and when people have asked me why we are dressed alike I have responded that it is in honor and memory of a brave, brilliant and beautiful girl named Madeline. I promise to never forget Madeline. Never.

If you can please donate to the March of Dimes in Madeline's name. You can find other information here on how to donate to Mike and Heather directly. This community is a wonderful group of people and I have no doubts that you will share your comfort and love with Heather and Mike just like you have done for me countless times. 

No Words

I have tried for days to write this post and in the end I decided to check my Google reader instead. Emily at Not That You Asked has written a post about their dear friends Brian and Katie who has a beautiful 16 month old daughter who was just diagnosed, operated on and will soon begin a very invasive course of treatment. All of the details are over at Emily's and there is a huge Donate button on the left. There has already been a huge outpouring of support but as we all know there can never be enough love and in the world of medical treatments there can never be enough money. Please, please, please click over and give - whether it be kind words, prayers or monetarily.

It was a very rough week here in the kingdom, on Tuesday night I began bleeding very heavily and bright with small clots. I phoned Doc Wonder and he said if I began filling a pad every hour I was to head straight to the ER and he explained that if I started to pass tissue what I should look for and that I needed to come in first thing in the morning.

I made it through the night and when I went in the next morning we started the ultrasound - first with the screen turned away from me. To say it was tense in the room was an understatement; I don't think any of us were breathing. Doc Wonder's exhalation was actually audible and he swung the screen towards me. There was our baby bouncing around with a heart rate of 189. Moving its arm buds up to its face and kicking its tiny leg buds. I was shocked, the nurse was shocked, and the doc was shocked. He commented that the baby was picking "her"(we switch at each visit) nose to which I replied that was a Duke trait and then he said, "This is one tough kid Duchess, I have to be honest I was very worried."

Yeah, that toughness, she gets that from me.

We could find no source for the bleeding and no current blood flow going where it shouldn't be. Growth is right on track and I was sent home to relax. I am on complete vaginal rest until further notice - which I had already been on since week seven. I am officially 9w0d today and every single day feels like a small victory.

A small bit of advice for the fertile folk

So I am not sure if I have mentioned this or not but I work in a restaurant a few nights each week, in our house we jokingly call it my magazine and bubblegum money. In truth it is my infertility and car payment money. After living here for almost a year and not being able to find a job in my field and then trying the whole airline industry thing (man was I lost at the time) and then still not being able to find a job, well, let's just say the prospect of one more day inside my house was not appealing. I chose to go back to the work of my college days mostly because I could work when I wanted and make great money and still play golf and lay out by the pool during the day...anywho, I digress.

DISCLAIMER: If you have never been infertile and are about to read this, please don't view it as an attack against you. I am just having a bad week, a week in which they are raising my hormones, a week in which my hope is melting and this poor woman just happened to step in this very puddle on a night when I was tired and cranky, in fact she was a very nice woman and who knows what she had to go through to get where she is.

If you are sat in my section and are approximately .87994654 seconds pregnant please do not keep going on and on and ON about how sad you are to not have caffeine or how angry you are that your husband can have the Ahi tuna but you can not and please for the FUCKING LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD DO NOT ASK ME TO BE SYMPATHETIC TO YOUR CAFFEINE/FISH ISSUE. Really, I am happy for you and your husband and your three thousand relatives (of whom seven were at the table calling out baby names). Just please don't ever say to me again"You must know how that is" because honey, I have NO idea.

Update #2

I spoke to the Duchess this morning.

She had to have her left fallopian tube removed. They also removed some scar tissue from her left ovary. She basically had an entire 6 week embryo in her fallopian tube.

She handled the surgery very well and they might let her go home this evening.

This whole situation is so unfair, but she's really being a trooper about it.

Please continue to send good vibes her way.