The Duchess

I thought I had won.

When I first moved to Typepad Lane and rolled out my welcome mat I was a young bright eyed infertile hoping to meet some other ladies in the same saddle er, stirrup.

Then I finally became pregnant with a viable pregnancy. I was going to have a baby (yes I was borderline smug and bitchy) I had won, I had kicked my stubborn, un-agreeable, downright mean reproductive (or unproductive) bits into submission and while they did not go quietly they did their job. I had a real live healthy baby and I was almost smitten with my lady garden. For the first time in 11 years we were on the same page. I figured we would go our separate ways, well as separate as you can when you are all wrapped up in the same annoying, pretty package.

I was so wrong.

It started about thirty days after the c-section, I had my first period. 30 days.On.The.Dot. Even though I was breastfeeding AROUND THE FREAKING CLOCK. I thought it was a fluke, it couldn't be real,  I had more carefree time coming my way after all I was breastfeeding (!) (I could write a book on that one) then thirty days later I had it again and again. It was weird and yet strangely familiar, unlike dealing with the squalling infant that left the hospital with me I knew how to deal with Red.

Red was different at first I thought maybe she was just working out the kinks after her long absence, stretching her legs and reacquainting me with the routine. The second and third months were also different, longer, odd, and more painful. I started to think maybe this was going to be the new normal and that is when month four hit me harder than a Mack truck without brakes.

The pain alone was enough to leave me laying on the bathroom floor head buried in a towel wondering if I had any pain killers left from the c-section, I had to change my clothes, sheets, SHOES but after NINE days it was gone leaving only it's memory and a cotton bill that rivals the national deficit.

When Red came to visit for month five she brought her friend Spot along. Spotting in the middle of the month has always meant my cervix is on fire, in need of attention. I don't mess with the spotting, weird bleeding when I am supposed to be bleeding is one thing, random "Oh jeez I guess white was a bad idea even though I should be golden for at least another 12-15 days" bleeding is reason to pick up the phone and make an appointment for the stirrups.

To say I was shocked when Doc (I can't remember his nickname at the moment) told me my cervix looked lovely (What the...) is synonymous with GM having a few extra cars sitting around. So I scheduled a sonohysterogram (SHG) for the following week. Dr. Google had already informed me that nothing was wrong; I was insane or possibly pregnant. For the record I am cool with insanity as pregnant without third party help isn't going to happen. So I showed up for my SHG and after taking a pregnancy (snicker with me won't you?) test we got down to brass tacks. All in all the SHG took a bit longer than the HSG but with less pressure...more leaking, less sticky. It only took about four seconds for me to know this was not going to go my way.

Hanging off of every available surface were these stalactite things, knobby and long and ugly. My lining was measuring 18 instead of 7-9. Double? How did this happen? The last time I saw my Ute this close without a baby inside, it was so pretty and calm, the one part of my reproductive posse to always behave, the shiny Breck girl among us. Now I felt betrayed and surprised and sad. Oh so very sad, one more thing to add to my gynecological resume.

Uterine Polyps

Altogether not a big deal, ya know if they don't end up being cancerous because that is one of the few things not on my resume yet. To be clear I have no reason to believe that the polyps are or will be cancerous. I am just PISSED that my body is failing me AGAIN. Doc (can't remember his nickname) told me to go home a talk to Duke and decide if I want more children because a hysterectomy may be the best route.

Hold the fucking phone. I am twenty-nine, a hysterectomy?!?!? Do I want another child? I don't even know what I want to be when I grow all the way up or what I want for breakfast or if I even want breakfast, maybe I will just have coffee.

I did the only thing possible I left the office and cried. Hard. Then I called Doc (super amazing and can't remember his nickname either, delivered S.) for a second opinion. After he talked me off the ledge we decided that the best course would be Surgical Hysteroscopy and D&C.

Joy.

As long as everything goes well I get to keep my body parts, and I get a guaranteed nap. Surgery is set for the 24Th, AM style.

Cave Time

I am alive, lurking here and there mostly. It is seven days to beta and I am ready to hit Duke in the head. I get that he is all hopeful and excited, and let's be honest, unrealistic but for the love of god he needs to quit asking me if I think I am pregnant.

I have no indication one way or the other. I had some mild cramping after the two procedures and my skin freaked out just like it has for the last four months after ovulation and I am still annoyed with Dr. Phil because he is annoying. The only difference is that I am remembering to take my folic acid and drink water. Go me.

I have found that I am going back and forth this cycle about having kids. Will they like me? Will I be a good parent? Will I yell, like my family did? Can I really lay different parenting "tracks" then were present with my own family? Will duke and I continue to have a relationship outside our children or will we solely focus on them? Is it selfish to not solely focus on them? Then I have days like today where the want and desire to have children is overwhelming, where having a family seems like the only answer that will suffice.

Please excuse me; I am heading back to my cave now.

WOW

So I have to say WOW! Friday went better than I could have even hoped for. I was ushered in right on time, had a great nurse who didn't even blink when I answered her question about pregnancies vs. live births (for those of you playing at home the score is 1-0). Dr.T (radiologist) rolled in right on time and then the party started. As the speculum went in I was told to just let her know if I hit my pain threshold. The following is a somewhat accurate account:

Duchess: Okay, let me know when the catheter is in

Dr. T: Uhh we have been in for about a minute now and are going to start pushing the dye (points at the screen behind my head) take a look if you like, now you may start to feel the dye being pushed through.

Duchess: Actually I don't feel anything, is that a problem?

Dr. T: Nope that is just how we like it. Okay so on the left we have the small stump that they left behind

Duchess: (making weird face and thinking about tree stumps) ooookaay

Dr.T: Oh boy, wow, look at that beauty on the right. She is just text book, you know D. there is no reason why you should not be able to get pregnant. In fact I think you should take part in this research study for people who are going to get pregnant within the next 8-12 months.

Duchess: Are you sure you are talking to me? I mean come on now let's be honest last time it took me almost two years and that was with a full set of reproductive parts.

Dr.T: I think you are a perfect candidate and I wish you the best of luck and trust me you have a good shot this time.

I left there feeling all warm and fuzzy and excited and almost as though I could knock myself up with no help at all. Then someone asked me why I wanted kids so badly in the first place when clearly it is something that "doesn't come naturally" to me. Huh, I thought that is a whole other post for a whole other day.

Oh my...

Dear Miss Egg,

What a surprise it was to find that you had spiked my temperature this morning. Just one small problem even though your future father and I aren't trying to force you into becoming more than you already are for the next three months we were thinking that maybe just for giggles we would anyway and you see Miss. Egg, he won't be back in the same zip code as me until tomorrow night. You know the day that you were supposed to change my temp...SO if you don't mind waiting for one more day to burst out I would really appreciate it, Oh and if you could make it pain free this month I would like that too.

Thanks,

Your Management Team

You want to what?!?

Okay folks here is the game plan. We (meaning my husband) are going to take a few months off. I have decided (and as always reserve the right to change my mind) not to go back to the doctor until September. That is 5 months and 1 week from now. We are going to try again in June. Until that time we will be busy bumblebees. The Duke goes in tomorrow to have his little soldiers checked out. Don't worry I called him this morning to remind him that EVERYONE would know what he was doing in there. I will be charting like a mad woman. In fact I purchased the ovusoft software yesterday to make it that much easier (also for my doctor so she won't have to try and interpret the cave like drawings that equal my handwriting) and also trying to become healthier. My running group is starting again tonight and I am so looking forward to it. I know someone said to me that the only reason to run is if someone is chasing you but what I have found is that it is the only thing that makes my mind shut down. All I can focus on is breathing and moving and nothing else. That it is the only time I EVER have that happen.

Okay and now for the reasoning behind this:

• My husband's business is opening December 1st....not a good idea to have a baby on the 20Th
• I am in a wedding in July. I would like to look good for it
• the Duke is going to be out of town for two weeks at a time....kind of hard to conceive if you aren't in the same zip code.
• We are moving in August. I will need to find a job and I think it would be best if I am not bursting at the seams
• It will be hard to move and be off work and have a new baby and a missing husband for the first three months
• My husband wants to wait and as much as I don't really want to he has good reasoning
• I don't want to have surgery...yet. If the time comes and I have to then I will but I want to put it off for a little bit.
• I need off the roller coaster. I am starting to get motion sickness.

So see it won't be that bad. It may even be fun. I have a lot of irons in the fire so to speak so I will have something else to concentrate on.

Or the wait may kill me....either or.

Yes Sir! May I Have Another Sir!

I must be a glutton for punishment... I just found myself trolling on About looking up what my due date would be if I were to get pregnant this month.

Hola! My Friends!

Hola! Everyone!

I am indeed alive and well. We have returned from the most fantastic trip, 8 days in the Mexican Rivera. We are refreshed recharged and renting our spare bedroom to Hope for at least the next week. The most amazing thing happened to me the day before we went out of town...my CM showed up after a seven month break so I quit waffling packed the OPK and off we went and what do ya know I actually got a positive on the 2nd so it looks like we got ourselves an egg. All I can say is even if this cycle doesn't turn out, having the positive OPK and the CM has helped. It really makes me feel like perhaps I had that infection longer than we thought (7 follicles on the last u/s 5 starting to collapse 4d post antibiotics...funny side note it was just about 7 months before they found the infection that I had my annual and bleed a little bit during my pap, the Doc made a note of that...so hmm let's see 7 months...7 eggs....infection gone eggs leaving.....7 months no CM all of sudden 1st cycle post-antibiotics we have CM, yes I would say Hope has taken up residence)

I have so much to post about the trip and my first dinner with my friend J.(since she found out she is pregnant) She is an amazing rock star in my book, but right now I must go and take a nap. Coming back to real world is exhausting.

Phew

My four day birthday bonanza is finally winding down to a close. I am really such a lucky lady. I was able to spend good quality time this weekend with all the people who are important to me. We kicked the weekend off with a pizza and board game party at my house and then went for a nice dinner Saturday night with my husband and father-in-law followed by meeting about 20 people at a local bar where my brother-in-law's band was playing and then topped the whole weekend off by having the best brunch with my family on Sunday...and of course today I went out for a second lunch with my co-workers to celebrate. My friends and family gave me truly thoughtful gifts. I am really such a blessed person.

On a side note I am thinking about saying screw it to this cycle. I just want to have fun on my trip and not worry about peeing on sticks and timing intercourse and all that whatnot. I am of course waffling back and forth about every ten minutes.