The Duchess

The memory never goes away.

Two weeks ago Duke and I went on a double date with a sweet couple we met about a year ago. In that year they have become good friends of ours, close friends but not the type where you have exchanged full life stories, when we met I was 22wks pregnant and H. was about 14wks along. H. and M. had decided to "try" for a baby and fell pregnant that very first month. So different from Duke's and my story that I never really felt compelled to share the road that brought me to that 22nd week.

Sometimes I forget that people don't know my story. Sometimes I minimize those three long years and the loss in my mind, I speak of them in a clinical way using medical terms and little emotion because honestly if I let the emotion come through; the hurt, the pain the gratitude, I think it would be very off-putting and a bit overwhelming.

As we were leaving the movie we were all looking at a movie poster for Burno and the tag line was 'Borat was so 2006'  As the three of them started dropping lines from the movie I couldn't think of anything to add, noticing I was quiet H. asked if I had seen the movie. I told her I had seen part of it but I had fallen asleep in the movie theater, it was out of my mouth before I could stop it. Of course she asked why and I was honest when I told her I was pregnant and sick and exhausted even though I didn't know why I felt that way at that time. H. kind of cocked her head to the side and was all, "but you just had...oh" and there it was that awkward moment where I insert a joke and try to make the other person forget that they had just stumbled onto my emotional landmine.

I can call it an ectopic instead of a baby it tends to affect people less but the only difference between those two words for me was the four inches that embryo failed to travel. For six weeks I was pregnant even though I didn't know it, I had the symptoms but thought they were all stress related, for two hours after getting the positive blood test I was on cloud nine and in a 90 minute ultrasound all of that was ended.

On the car ride home from our double date I allowed my mind to wonder back to that place to those memories, the ones that never go away.

It is Official...

The Duke and Duchess have welcomed a Lady

Sasha Grace

was born on Tuesday at 7:45 am she is 7 pounds, 7 ounces and 19.25 inches long.

She is the most amazing creature I have ever met.

 

 

 

We Have Answers

I just got the phone call from the Doctor. The Duke is 100% good to go. Yes folks, he is a virile stallion ready to produce numerous offspring.

The following is a conversation between me and the nurse (just my side of course):

So we know he isn't the problem...so I guess we will have to start looking at someone else....but who?? Me????Ohhh nooooo I don't think so I am just ducky, thank.you.very.much. We have decided to purchase our children from the Internet. No I am not taking any medication.Or smoking anything. Well you have a good day too.

I have bought myself one more month before I have an HSG.

Mother F**ker

So since the 9Th my boobs have hurt I had some light cramping and white CM ...I have been sleeping 12 hours a night and peeing every ten minutes and in general just feeling........hopeful.

I just went to the bathroom for the 7,876,548,735,496 time today. I am spotting.

I am done.

done.

D-O-N-E

I haven't been through half the crap of other people but like a complete wussy I have decided I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to stand on top of my desk right now and scream

"WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO HAVE A BABY"

I am such a frickin' moron.

I Love What You Have Done With the Place

I am still here I have just been hiding in my cave. N. and J. got home the other day and as predicted she contacted me through email (thank god) After about 2 hours of back and forth emailing we got down to business. She is 6w tomorrow (this means that the last time we had lunch and she was freaking out about trying and worried that it might take her forever, she already was pregnant) and feeling pretty good. I told her about my last doctor appointment and she, to her credit, said she is so sorry.period. She will pray for us and that she hopes it happens soon.

I did pretty good I had a level 3-4 cry in front of the sushi restaurant that the Duke took me to last night. He offered to buy me a cabbage patch kid, I settled for dinner.

Gearing Up

I am officially gearing up for this cycle and our vacation. I have bought my OPK (10 tests) and my suitcase which I am proud to say is a lovely bright strawberry pink. I have bought 3 new pairs of shoes and some condoms....just joking, wanted to make sure you were really following along. We are both so excited to be going.

Other than that I don't have mush to say right now. I have been feeling pretty good today only once did I think about my friend J. who also found out her sister-in-law who has been married 6 months is pregnant and due in September. J. is due in October. I felt that sick stomach pang and then I reminded myself  I will be there one day too.

My Grandma

On Thursday when I found out about my friend J's pregnancy I couldn't get a hold of any of my sisters or my mother so I, frantically reaching out for someone scrolled through my cell phone number log and saw my Grandmother's name. I decided to call her even though we don't talk as often as we should. I told her all about the last few months and my friend and what she said next to me actually made my tears turn to laughter for a few minutes...

Duchess: Grandma I can't get pregnant

Grandma: Oh honey, I am sure they just need to blow open your fallopian tubes (except she pronounced it F-EEE-LOPE-E-ANN tube)

Duchess: I don't know Grandma they think maybe it might have something to do with my eggs and scar tissue

Grandma: Oh Honey, You can just go to your general practitioner and they can take your egg and the Duke's sperm and mix it in a petri dish and then put it back in you...I would imagine it should only take about an hour, you could probably do it on you lunch one day.

Duchess: Oh Grandma, if only it were that easy

I gotta say she is one hell of a woman and I love her for making me feel better. She then went on to tell me that once I did get pregnant I would probably have several children and want to know how to make it stop.

I'm Back

I am back and feeling pretty darn good. We even managed some spontaneous "cuddling" this weekend. We have a big week ahead of us as it is my birthday next Sunday and then next Wednesday we leave on our cruise for 9 days. Nine days that I should be ovulating during... but I refuse to focus on that. I will instead focus on being healthy and working out this week and packing for my fabulous adventure. Then once on the the boat I will focus on my tan and the margaritas. I know it is all very important stuff. With the help of JDEgirl I have decided to accept the fact that this is my journey, I don't have to like it but if I want to get what I want then I have to follow it. This doesn't mean that when my husband told me that our friends who just found out they are expecting are coming to my birthday party that I didn't feel a moment of panic (we are going to see my brother-in-law's band play...at a bar...where it will be made obvious to everyone there that she is indeed pregnant) but I have decided to fake it till I make it.

Blown Away

I am completely blown away. Some very good friends of ours (and my husband's co-worker told us yesterday that they are expecting their first child. They have been trying for 3 weeks. That's right this is her first cycle and she is indeed pregnant. My poor husband looked so sad last night he wondered why not us? Are we bad people? There was really nothing I could say to make him feel better nor him for me. We just sat and watched a movie and felt like crap.

I had known it probably wouldn't take them long but I was shocked none the less. When J. had questions about ovulation or how a cycle works she would come to me. I taught her how to count her cycle, told her about the whole temp taking thing... all of that.

When my husband told me I felt like I had been cheated and then I felt even worse for being so selfish and not just being able to be happy for them. I felt devastated. They are going to be wonderful parents and they deserve this just as much as the next person. It was like I was thinking  "It can't be that easy. Why does it get to be that easy for them?" Selfish I know. I am in full on pity pot mood and I really do need to just snap out of it. The Duke and I will be running away to the beach for the weekend. We need to just be with each other and have time away. I won't be able to post but I am alive and I will be fine...I just need a cave for the next few days.

I did tell my husband not tell me anything else for right now unless I ask. She will naturally try and call me herself in the next few days (I did send her a text message congratulating her so I wouldn't have to call right away) and I will tell her the same thing. We love them and we are happy for them and we are not in the same place right now so we hope that they will be patient while we try to get there.

What to do now

I think I am depressed. Not in that I think I will just slide away into the great abyss kind of depressed but the kind that saps your energy and your confidence and your everything else.

I called in sick today. I have also felt guilty about it for the last 8 hours. My husband called in sick too. He has been very productive, I have been in bed sleeping. I have quit working out (I need to lose a total of 15 pounds from when I had surgery and I have gained about 15 pounds since we have started trying to have a baby) I am still in pretty good shape (you can't really tell when I have my clothes on) I have quit cooking, cleaning, shopping, hanging out with friends. My running group thinks I am dead (as of last September I was running 7:30 miles..now I am back around a 12 minute mile) My wonderful husband would like his fun vivacious wife back. I don't want to have surgery in April. I want this to be a normal experience. I don't want to see the exasperated look on my MIL's (Her Royal Highness) face when we tell her (she was the one when I had surgery last time asked my husband if he was still sure he wanted to get married because of the debt the surgery would create and then asked me if I couldn't just wait the extra time for my insurance to kick in...oh vey that is a whole other story for a whole other post) I am just very tired.

Perhaps I am not meant to have a child of my own. There was a moment last night when I was falling asleep that I had this huge strike of fear....holly buckets I can't be pregnant, I can't have a whole other person inside of me...what if I do it wrong. What if I don't like my own children or being a parent....and now for the most insane thought of today..what if my fear of being pregnant is why I am not pregnant.

I need to get back on track, back in shape, back to not caring what others think. I just don't know what to do now.