I started having some spotting around 3:00 am this morning. Doc Wonder said we should still wait until tomorrow to do the ultrasound, you know because if something is going horribly wrong there is nothing they can do.
This fucking sucks.
I am still pregnant, this is a fact that seems to shock me more and more everyday. The newest chapter in this saga is the fact that I am sick again. I have this achy flu feeling in my body and a horrible hacking cough and I can't hear out of my left ear I am also trying my best to keep my fever under 100. I have not been sick this much since I was 12. Then you have the morning sickness which is bullshit because it lasts 24 hours a day - everyday. So far the only thing I have kept down is water, Gatorade, soda crackers and a cheeseburger with pickles.
San Diego was beautiful, I however spent most of my time in the many bathrooms the hotel had to offer. The one day I felt well enough to venture out and about I went to the pool. It was cloudy and kind of cold, super windy off and on but I sat out there and read my book and then feel asleep and woke up a lobster. I have only really ever sunburned twice, I have pretty nice medium olive skin so it is usually not a problem but I am burnt so bad that my nose has blistered along with my shoulders.
So there you have it, I am sick, burnt and puking.
My next ultrasound is on Thursday.
I am sick, not quite deathbed dramatic yet but sick enough to lay in said bed all weekend watching the Closer. Sick enough to call in to work for like the first time ever. Sick enough to let the doctor stick one of those wood tongue depressors into my mouth. Sick enough to man up and go get my beta this morning so I Can Take The Good Drugs.
Also so I can have margaritas on my birthday tomorrow. Blood work should be back this afternoon, if you would not mind entertaining telling me, how long did you wait to have your beta?
Seriously I would not joke about something as important as the fact THAT I AM LOSING MY FREAKING MIND over here.
I thought it would be no big deal to do a higher dose of the Clomid (aka:the Devil Drug). I even chuckled when Duke gave me a hug and kiss and said he would see me on the other side. Honestly, was I that bad on 50mg that he suddenly thought I would completely flip my lid on 100mg.
Turns out he is a brilliant being. The hot flashes are tenfold, as in I WILL BURN TO DEATH IF I HAVE CLOTHING ON, bad. On second I am freezing the next I am responsible for all of global warming. After I went running yesterday (I did put clothing on for that) it took me FOUR HOURS to cool down and this was after a FREEZING COLD shower.
Then we have the headaches, again they are tenfold and everyday.EV.ER.Y.DAY.
Last but never least is the clomid rage. My fuse is nonexistent and I have no patience for ANYTHING. In an effort to not alienate every human I have ever met I have been hiding, last night I left the house for three hours just so poor Duke wouldn't have to deal with me.
I am the very definition of heinous.
Two more doses to go.
It started on Sunday, my girlfriend J. was going to drive down for a few days of wine drinking and movie watching and general fun. The it started to effing snow!!! Not just a sprinkle but like eighteen inches (18!!!)! What the hell, I live in Southern Oregon, it was almost 60 and sunny on Saturday. She made it about half way and then the Interstate was closed (and still was yesterday at 3pm) so she turned around and went home. I really needed that visit. I am feeling lonely and lonely. I miss my family and friends this week.
On Sunday Duke and I ran up to the Countess and Count's house (father and step-mother-in-law) and I mentioned my need for a dermatologist and the wickedly awesome Countess was able to get me into the best Derm in the valley the very next day (yesterday, Monday). The reason for the Derm you might ask? Acne - nasty ass acne (NAA). Acne that makes me so mad and frustrated and angry. This is not my first go-round with NAA. I have battled it off and on since I was 14. I have done a pretty much unheard of three rounds on Accutane (you know the drug that you have to use two forms of birth control while taking because of the birth defects it causes) and numerous other drugs. After the ectopic my acne, which had been pretty non-existent in the last five years, flared up to nasty proportions. I have tried everything natural I can think of and nothing has been working. The Derm confirmed what I really already knew, there was nothing that can be done until I am practicing birth control. Almost all acne drugs are Class C. There is one class B topical drug, and as the derm put it if I trust rats then I could go for it with approval from Doc King. Other than that Microdermabrasion and vodka (for me to drink, to deal with the pain... I am joking..kind of). She also removed a mole from my leg and I am the proud owner of one (1!) stitch for the next ten days. I have never had external stitches that I can actually see before, so while it is a wimpy one stitch I assure you I am feeling all bad ass about it.
What I didn't feel bad ass about was the fact that here I sit facing my 28th birthday much the same way I faced 18: fat, acne ridden and barren. Okay so at 18 I didn't want to have children but back then I was hanging out in the stirrups for a different reason (to cranky to link to archives) and I put on a senior twenty instead of a freshman fifteen.
I guess where I am going with this fun bitch-fest, well I am not sure where I am going with it, perhaps the gym. I can only hope that 30 is just as good as 20, when my skin cleared up, the baby fat melted and the stirrups were just a once-a-year annoyance.
Happy Hump Day everyone!
In honor of the best middle of the week day I bring you an addition to the Kingdom I am running here. This blogger found me and left me a comment so as usual I clicked on over to her site - it was like meeting my way cooler, hipper, much funnier twin. I found myself nodding at her posts and thinking of my own similar life experiences, in short I was stoked. So in honor of Wednesday I, Duchess Lyle love:
Go on now, check her out. If she doesn't make you giggle I promise a full refund. If you don't have time today there will be a permanent link to her in my right sidebar.
In other news I was tagged for a MEME by My Fertility Stories. I will now try and give you a look in to my warped mind by giving you seven random facts about me!
1. Meat in my freezer is like money in the bank to me. If my freezer supply is running low I get a little squirrelly, it's not pretty. I am not sure where this fear stems from as I have never gone hungry, always have had access to food and actually try and cook three meals a week without meat in them.
2. I have to wear underwear to bed. What if something tries to crawl up there, it's unsettling but possible. Duke feels the same way.
3. I am allergic to pineapple, that's right, I will never know the wonders of a pina colda but I still love the song.
4. I played soccer from the time I was 4 until I was 18 and then again for a time in my early twenties. I love it and miss it still. I also competitively figure skated for about 10 years, I used to tell people that I could walk on water - except it wasn't exactly walking and it wasn't exactly water (a quote I stole from Kristi Yamaguchi, I think )
5. I used to shop here so much that one time at a bridal shower someone who does actually work there asked me how long I had been with the company, uh never, was my very embarrassed reply. The closest location to me now is about three hours away, thank god for the Internet.
6. I had a very nice wedding in this castle of a hotel. I wore a very nice dress and someday I plan on having it cut short dying it sapphire blue and wearing it to our big anniversary bash. I can't find a picture at the moment but when I do I will post it. Our wedding day was more than I ever could have asked for and many people still are talking about it.
7. Last but not least and kind of lame, I HATE it when my hands are sticky/dirty. I wear pink rubber gloves when I do dishes and while I am not a germ freak at all I do wash my hands...a lot.
Wow that was harder than it looks...I am tagging Miss Lulu, no pressure!
Last but not least on this Lyle Love-It day is my cycle update. I triggered naturally this morning (positive OPK) went in for a scan 14mm right side follicle, 20.5 on the left SO we canceled the cycle, it does me no good with no left tube I might as well flush the money straight down the toilet. Up next we are raising the Clomid to 100mg days 3-7 with a CD 13 scan, hopefully we can get a few on the right, my uterine lining measurements were awesome I think somewhere around 14 and providing they stay that way with the higher clomid dose we will trigger/IUI next time.
I don't want to end on a down note so help me here friends, every time a cycle would fail, I would buy a nice bottle of wine, weeelllll my wine rack is overflowing and Duke and I have moved up to buying cases when we find a great deal or the wind blows in the right direction. So tell me have you seen a great wine rack?? Please send links or leave them in the comments section. Thanks!
As in I'm a dud.
I had my CD14 scan today and I had three follicles. Only three pitiful follicles measuring 15mm (right) and 16mm and 10mm on the left..the fucking left that does NOTHING for me. Oh and my lining, PUUURFECT, but that doesn't mean squat because my eggs are these tiny stupid things (sorry eggs, no offense but c'mon help a lady out)
Doc King thinks I should have another scan on Wednesday morning if they have hit 19-21mm she wants to trigger and then roll the IUI on Friday. Umm hello when the hell did this cycle get so far away from me. One minute I am agreeing to try clomid and the next thing I know I am at the clinic everyday this week.
So here is my fucked up screw-y emotional freak-fest (stick with me here as I admit how naive I really have been all these months) I totally thought I would roll in there and then have a positive OPK and then causally between running and lattes have an IUI and then what do ya know BAM pregnant. For goodness sake, I write a blog mostly about trying to get pregnant - not about being infertile, because honestly I wasn't really sure that I was. Sure the Docs have batted that term around from time to time. For sure we were having a difficult time and then the ectopic and then the break and then the trying again, but not infertile,struggling perhaps.Challenged, maybe.
Then she said "trigger shot" and I was done. She said some other things too but I wasn't listening, in fact the only other four words I heard was, "not on your own" I felt a shift a whole mind turning, earth wiggling shift. There will be absolutely no magic and mystery to me creating a new life. I new it wouldn't be easy but I never dreamed it would be this challenging. It could be worse, she could have told me that my ovaries had moved out to like, Jamaica, Mon.
Anywho, I was all emotional and ugly crying (thanks clomid) and in general making a fool of myself so Duke took me to the grocery store for cereal. That man really knows how to make me shut up, I so LOVE cereal that when I was in fourth grade I swore up and down that one day I would write reviews for cereal, jeez I wish that would have panned out. So, we bought the cereal and I ate the cereal and then I watched Oceans 75 13 and tomorrow I will get up and march to the clinic with my non-naive head held high.
Went to the doctor on Thursday, completely prepared to ask for a referral to a different clinic. After being eight days late and unable to get anyone on the phone I was pissed, I was also clomid raging, a fun new term in my house that means I am liable to fly off the handle for no good reason at any time - fun for everyone, really you should give it a whirl next time your bored (just remember to order your version without the frickin blinding headaches and nuclear powered hot flashes).
The lovely Doc King (ironically enough her real last name, fits pretty nicely with the whole royal theme I am rockin' around here) and I sat down, I was so ready to raise hell and give her what for and then stomp off to pout when she totally got fired up over the fact that I never got a phone call back. WOO HOO! After my C-rage passed and the hot flash that always follows cooled down we hatched a new plan of attack:
Day 13 scan, follicle check, lining check,
If there is a right side follicle just waiting to burst forth we will rock an IUI, given my cervix history and crap mucus why not just slap the boys right at the front door.
If left side follicle is there we will just have sex (boorrriiiinnnggg) because you just really never know perhaps that egg will find it's merry way through my jungle of defunct equipment and produce triplets. (PLEAS NOTE THE HIGH LEVEL OF SARCASM)
I am divided on how I feel about this, part of me is kind of "cool, let's just get on with it" the other part is "well, huh, someday, maybe I will just tell my kid I never even HAD to have sex to produce him/her" and then there is the part that almost hit someone upside the head. This is a friend who I work with and workout with, this is someone who knows me, this is also my direct manager who makes my schedule so she knows about certain doctor appointments and when I told her I was bummed about losing another part of the magic she replied (the response is so bad it is getting it's own paragraph)
"If you have to try that hard, then maybe now just isn't the time for you. Maybe if you wait awhile it would be better or maybe adoption would be the clearer choice for you. Have you considered that god may have another plan for you and you are meant to have a different path"
That was pretty close word for word. I have agonized over whether to write about that here, I know that one of my readers also works with me, I know she is a vault, so if she is reading this I appreciate your vault-ness, keep up the good work, because I really, really, REALLY, needed to vent that one (insert large sigh).
Last on the list, I saw Juno last night. Funny flick, Jennifer Garner did a great job if you ask me. Ellen Page made it bearable (loved the wit) A fantastic ending, if only everything could be tied up so nicely in life.
So there you have it my weekend update, I have caught up on my reading and note writing and finally did my Christmas cards all while eating fund-raiser beef jerky some kid in my hood was selling.
We are home now and finally thawing out. I haven't posted in the last week because we were in Banff and then back in Edmonton and finally on a flight home. The 29th of December should have been CD 1 for me. In fact the last three months my cycle has been about 27 days long, however I never test unless I go longer than 30 days which is the norm for me. So day 28 came and went with no spotting/cramping and then day 30 passed and I used a home test, which was negative so I figured it was just a matter of time. Then day 31, 32, 33, and 34 came and went and I did the unthinkable...I started to hope. Really who am I kidding I practically had paint colors picked out for a nursery (okay maybe not that far but I was letting myself believe it could be possible). I have only ever had one two cycles go longer than 30 days and one of them I was indeed pregnant.
We flew home on the first (now going on seven days late) and that night I started to cramp so bad the bottom of my feet hurt. I had left a message with the clinic in southern Oregon (I am SO less than impressed with them so far) three days earlier, I still haven't heard back from them. I was hemming and hawing on whether or not to call my Doctor in Portland (where we were staying for the night). Duke finally said that if he only had one nut and thought he might lose the other one he would call every Doctor he could think of. So I called her service (it was a quarter to eight at night) and what do you know, she phoned me back about seven minutes later. She felt it was a good idea to have a blood test but told me to wait until the morning so I wouldn't have to sit at the hospital and wait. I thanked her and we agreed to talk in the morning after the test. She then called me back ten minutes later to say she had called the lab and it was dead so if I was in the area I might as well head over there and get it done and they would process it right then and I would know before the night was over. I knew I would not be able to get any rest without knowing so we headed over there. My beta came back...it was 1 (one). When I told my Doc how stupid I felt, she told me not to, I had a bad experience before so it is normal to feel overly conscious. She then went on to give me an in-depth lesson on Clomid and when I told her of my worries with the other clinic and their luteal phase defect diagnosis she actually said to me, "you can call it whatever you want all you and Duke want is to take home live babies." I so seriously love this woman and wished she felt comfortable handling my case via phone.
Well fuck, what the hell am I supposed to do with that. Of all the possible outcomes for this cycle, I had not imagined that it would just be screwed. I went from a 27 day cycle to a 34 days. And again I say, fuck. You con only imagine how funny I found it to be when I woke up to the reds the very next morning.
So I am not sure if I have mentioned this or not but I work in a restaurant a few nights each week, in our house we jokingly call it my magazine and bubblegum money. In truth it is my infertility and car payment money. After living here for almost a year and not being able to find a job in my field and then trying the whole airline industry thing (man was I lost at the time) and then still not being able to find a job, well, let's just say the prospect of one more day inside my house was not appealing. I chose to go back to the work of my college days mostly because I could work when I wanted and make great money and still play golf and lay out by the pool during the day...anywho, I digress.
DISCLAIMER: If you have never been infertile and are about to read this, please don't view it as an attack against you. I am just having a bad week, a week in which they are raising my hormones, a week in which my hope is melting and this poor woman just happened to step in this very puddle on a night when I was tired and cranky, in fact she was a very nice woman and who knows what she had to go through to get where she is.
If you are sat in my section and are approximately .87994654 seconds pregnant please do not keep going on and on and ON about how sad you are to not have caffeine or how angry you are that your husband can have the Ahi tuna but you can not and please for the FUCKING LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD DO NOT ASK ME TO BE SYMPATHETIC TO YOUR CAFFEINE/FISH ISSUE. Really, I am happy for you and your husband and your three thousand relatives (of whom seven were at the table calling out baby names). Just please don't ever say to me again"You must know how that is" because honey, I have NO idea.
