The Duchess

Consider this the end.

Dear S.

I have been quiet. I have been traveling a road so high I sometimes need oxygen to safely navigate this treacherous path you have laid out for me. I am trying. I am trying my best everyday to put myself in your shoes and to understand where you are coming from so I can understand the things you have said to me. I am sad, not just at the loss of our friendship but also for the impression you have carried away of me. I find it impossible that all of your accusations could be true; if they are then I am very sad that I am that person.

You will probably never read this and if you do happen one day to stumble upon this letter I hope it makes you feel embarrassed and just a tiny bit ashamed. That sounds mean and someday I will reread this account and I will think, "jeez that was a bit harsh" but for now I am hurt and that is how I feel. Life is hard enough to navigate without having people who are supposed to be your friends stand in judgment of you. This all began in June when I had surgery and I didn't call you. You felt hurt that in my time of need I did not reach out to you, instead of telling me this you started to ignore me. For a second let us put aside how incredibly selfish it is that you were mad that I did not call you after I had surgery and let us focus on the fact that you were in the middle of your brother's wedding and busy with your own family, I appreciated the phone call to see if I was okay I didn't realize that it needed to be returned immediately or you would be upset.

Ignoring someone and the issue you have with them may work for you in other relationships but to roll in my world I expect my friends to be honest and upfront. I let this go on for weeks because I felt awful and sick and couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time recovering. I finally confronted you in an email, I felt it would make you most comfortable, we talked and it was a great talk and you made it seem as though things were fine between us we started going on walks together and making plans to hang out but every time we were in a social situation that was more than the two of us you would ignore me or even worse the day we were supposed to go to the farmer's market and after you were already 35 minutes late you called to cancel. Things come up everyone knows this but it is unlike you to be that dismissive of another person. I let this go on for far too long without calling you out. When I finally did I was shocked.

You wanted to hash things out over text messaging and by hash those out I mean you wanted to have your say but not hear a response. I read and responded and took this road they call the high one. I said I felt we should have lunch to discuss these things, if our friendship was to be salvageable we needed to understand each other better. I tried to respond to your concerns with compassion and warmth and understanding. You said to me that I think I am better than everyone and in the next breath that I am too self deprecating, you said I am unable to open my circle of friends and then you said that I choose to make money by working nights over being with my family and you lost me forever.

I work at night so that my family may travel and participate in extra activities that one income does not allow for. I work at night to maintain a sense of self outside of my family and to have exposure to conversations that have nothing to do with poop or vegetables. I work at night so that I can spend all day and every weekend with my family really enjoying them and not taking the time I have with them for granted. I work at night because I like to work and I do like to earn money it makes ME feel important and worthy to MYSELF.

I would never judge someone who chooses to work in the home out of the home or on the moon. Kids, no kids, wants kids, hates kids, work is a personal thing. I can see how this would be hard for you to understand never really having had to work in your life (yes this is harsh also but true) you do work twice a week and put your children in daycare which is your choice and as long as that choice is best for you and your family that should be all that matters. Where you get off standing in judgment of what works best for my family is beyond me. I have met your mother several times and as far as I can tell she never raised you to be such a callous and hurtful person.

You said other things, things I won't put in print because I don't care to remember them, I left that lunch with a sense of calm this has nothing to do with me and I wouldn't be surprised if you no longer wanted to be my friend for a whole other set of reasons next week. First it was you couldn't hang out at night and then it was you choose to do your housework and chores during the day so you can hang out at night, so which is it day or night? Why not just be honest and say you don't want to spend time with us.

The only catch and the only reason I have wasted this much energy on you is that our husbands are such good friends. It is not their fault or the fault of our other friends that you, and now I by reaction, are no longer friends. We are still invited to many of the same events and it is ridiculous to think we would just step out of the picture because you changed your mind about me. I have shown up to these events put on a smile and exchanged pleasantries with you. I have been kind and welcoming even including your family at events in our home, for the sake of my husband I have been on this high road. You on the other hand ignore me the whole time, it is uncomfortable FOR EVERYONE. When we were at the petting zoo last week you even went so far as to dis-include my child. My 11month old sweet as sin child from the photographs and certain activities, you can dislike me all you want; you don't even need a reason but take it out on my child and you need to watch your back.

It is 1000% not okay to treat my child like she is less than because I am her mother. It is 10000% not okay to behave that way when we are both invited to the same activity. If you can't get a grip and deal with us being there than perhaps you should stay home. I am done feeling bad for you and I am done feeling bad for me. You can either put aside what ever issue you have and play nice or stay the hell away from my family. I haven't said anything to our friends and I won't because this is the high road after all, but I will not make excuses for you any longer. If you want to throw a fit any and every time your husband comes over to hang out that is his problem to deal with. If you want to be rude to my child than prepare your self for a private calling out, one of which you have never experienced and are unlikely to experience again.

This is my life and the only person(s) I have to answer to are me, my husband and my children. This is the last bit of energy I will allow to be sapped from me on your account. To me you are just a person I once spent a lot of time with. You are nice and you know a lot of people (just ask you) and that is it. Do us all a favor, since your husband is out of town the weekend of S's birthday don't come. It is a time for joy and love and celebration not a place for someone who has no respect or goodwill.

Best of Luck to you,

Duchess

A Sea of Green

All is alive and well here.

I am 14w 3d and still am puking my brains out. I am on 8mg of Z*fran every six hours around the clock and I am having moments of over the moon excitement not only about the baby but about the fact that I will never have to be pregnant again. Julia wrote a very nice post about me a few weeks ago in which she talked about how stories like mine in general make people like me want to tear my hair out, if I had a dollar for every time I was told to relax, just adopt or relax some more I would be zany rich. Hell if I had a dollar for every person who has said, "See you just needed to relax this time" I could buy ammunition to take them out.

Your comments and emails have buoyed me over the last month and a half. You have made this easier to deal with and you have put my fears at ease. This pregnancy is very different from my one with S. less complications better overall placement and size, HR in the 160's, great results from the quad screen, less weight loss (which is a miracle considering I am still tossing my cookies 3-4 times a day- on the Z*fran).

I find this so surreal still, there is a small person the size of my fist growing and changing inside me everyday, a small person who has already defied every odd every doctor I have ever seen has set, a small person who is going to come careening into our lives and enrich them beyond our wildest dreams.

At 14 weeks things are sailing along, sure I am still seasick but my legs finally seem to be back under me.

The memory never goes away.

Two weeks ago Duke and I went on a double date with a sweet couple we met about a year ago. In that year they have become good friends of ours, close friends but not the type where you have exchanged full life stories, when we met I was 22wks pregnant and H. was about 14wks along. H. and M. had decided to "try" for a baby and fell pregnant that very first month. So different from Duke's and my story that I never really felt compelled to share the road that brought me to that 22nd week.

Sometimes I forget that people don't know my story. Sometimes I minimize those three long years and the loss in my mind, I speak of them in a clinical way using medical terms and little emotion because honestly if I let the emotion come through; the hurt, the pain the gratitude, I think it would be very off-putting and a bit overwhelming.

As we were leaving the movie we were all looking at a movie poster for Burno and the tag line was 'Borat was so 2006'  As the three of them started dropping lines from the movie I couldn't think of anything to add, noticing I was quiet H. asked if I had seen the movie. I told her I had seen part of it but I had fallen asleep in the movie theater, it was out of my mouth before I could stop it. Of course she asked why and I was honest when I told her I was pregnant and sick and exhausted even though I didn't know why I felt that way at that time. H. kind of cocked her head to the side and was all, "but you just had...oh" and there it was that awkward moment where I insert a joke and try to make the other person forget that they had just stumbled onto my emotional landmine.

I can call it an ectopic instead of a baby it tends to affect people less but the only difference between those two words for me was the four inches that embryo failed to travel. For six weeks I was pregnant even though I didn't know it, I had the symptoms but thought they were all stress related, for two hours after getting the positive blood test I was on cloud nine and in a 90 minute ultrasound all of that was ended.

On the car ride home from our double date I allowed my mind to wonder back to that place to those memories, the ones that never go away.

To My Dearest.

My Dearest Sasha,

I have been meaning to write this letter to you since about month seven of my pregnancy. I had bought a baby book and there was a special envelope for a letter to baby from Mommy. I haven't gotten around to putting a letter on actual paper but believe me my dear I write to you daily in my head.

I am having surgery in the morning and while I expect to be home and whining by dinnertime this last year has taught me that life can and will change in an instant and it is important to seize the time you have when you have it. These things are important to me and I hope someday we will sit and laugh at how I was afraid and so I wrote them all down. My hope is by the time you are old enough to need this advice you will be very sick of hearing it. From me. This is not a full list, which will go in the baby book, but this is a good start.

Things to Remember

You are so loved. You were so wanted and loved before I ever met the you that you are. I longed for you, dreamed for you, and craved you. The day that we met was easily the best and worst day, imagine having everything you have dreamed of handed to you in a 7.7 pound squalling package, everyone looks to the mom for answers but the truth is that we were just meeting for the first time (I have never felt that kind of fear and joy at the same time) and I had no clue what I was doing. Before you I had never seen what innately good really was. Your spirit and joy for everything around you is infectious as is your constant smile and laughter. Your eyes are so wise it is almost like you are saying not to worry you and I will be okay, we will take this adventure together.

Be kind to everyone you meet. There is never a reason to be mean to people, you never know what is going on in their lives and you never know when you may need help from someone. The same goes for if you are having a bad time, there is no reason to take it out on others. You would be surprised how far a kind word and smile will get you. Always smile at other women; this may seem weird for me to say but something happens around middle school and girls can be mean and awkward and a smile can disarm a situation like nothing else. Also you are stunning inside and out when you smile.

Be fair and honest, lying never helps anything and unless you memory is flawless it usually catches up with you. Be kind to all the people you meet. Always tip 20%. If the service is awful go with 15% trust me the server will get the message with a 15% tip, they may be having a bad night but they are still tipping out every other person in the restaurant (that's right sometimes as much as 40 percent of what they are tipped). Donate generously whether it be time or money there is nothing more rewarding than knowing you have given to help make the world better (Go ask Grandma to tell you the starfish story)

People will say things to you, about you and sometimes for you. Own your voice and know that you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let ANYONE tell you there is ANYTHING wrong with you. My biggest regret in life has been my over concern of what other people think of me. In the end you have to like you, also please make sure you love yourself before you ever try and love someone else. Never compromise your morals or potential just to make someone else happy.

Drink Slurpees in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter, go on spring break, please don't TP houses (Again go ask Grandma to tell you the story about Aunt C.) Get a job learn how to drive a stick, sleep in, go to the beach, love all music, travel, love, live.

If you ever can't talk to me you can always talk to Aunt J. She can answer anything and everything plus she knows more about beauty products than any human should and she is good at math and making mac and cheese. She can fill in the blanks and hold your hand when need be. She rescued me when I didn't even know I was lost. She is the perfect example of choosing your family. Not all family shares blood with you, you create and surround yourself with those people who are genuine. Some of the best people in life are friends.

Your father is a good, caring man;  he loves you fiercely and would do anything for you. Be patient with him, you are his little lady and that will never change. You will always be the tiny girl that he brought home in ladybug pajamas. Yes his love of golf is annoying but so is my shoe collection and coffee habit.

I wanted to name you Lorelai...any questions about that one can be answered by the Gilmore Girls and your father.

I love you bug and I will do anything in my power to make sure you and I go on this adventure together, even in the mandatory teenage hating years I will win you back one emo song, latte, and Nordstrom trip at a time.

You are now and forever my greatest joy.

Love,

Your Mom

Let's Have a Chat

I think that some of the coolest people EVER read this here blog. I am sure many of you are very, very busy. During this cycle I have felt very emotional and scared and you, my readers, have been there for me. I feel a bit sheepish even bringing this up...I check my stats, I see how many people look at this thing a day and yet there are not that many comments. Comments started out as a fun thing, a nice way to be connected to others and then after my loss and during the rough time in my marriage they were like a lifeline.

Right now I am anxious about this cycle. I am scared that I WILL get pregnant and the same thing will happen again. I feel so alone. I am tired and moody and missing my family, my family who I can't talk to about this. I mean really how can I call home and bitch about how crappy I feel (self-induced) when my sister has cancer and doesn't have a choice in how she feels, when she will never have kids now. So friends inside my laptop I call on you to please be my lifeline again, please comment even if it is just to tell me I am full of crap or have stinky feet. I know you are all busy so please know that I appreciate you one and all.

Nasty Nightmares Anyone?

Friday afternoon I decided to open all the windows in my house for fresh air...okay I guess that would be kind of obvious, anyway it was a nice semi-warm day so open them I did. This is the first time since I was five that I have lived in a single story home, so while window opening isn't unusual for me window opening on the bottom floor of my house always has been. Call me overly cautious but ever since I was attacked in high school I am weird about certain things. So the windows went open in every room and I tried not to think about someone possibly coming in one of them. I know you must be thinking, "Then why open them all?" I just needed to.

I have always felt safe having Duke in the house but since it appears this marriage isn't going to work and I am going to be on my own first in Chicago and then San Fransisco I need to learn to feel safe alone. Not that I am going to go leaving bottom floor windows open to spawn a feeling of safety but I live in a small town and my neighbors were home and for god's sake it was only for a few hours and sometimes a girl needs some fresh air.

Can anyone tell me then why I woke up crying in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare that someone tried to kidnap me while I was walking to my car so I ran back to my hotel suite and saw the "bad guy" heading my way and realized that my room was made all out of windows and that they were all unlocked (!!!) so I start trying to lock them but they are those stupid multi-functional windows that will open ( I looked for a picture but couldn't find one) side-to-side or will open from the top (almost so it looks like it is falling into the room, I am so not explaining this well, sorry) Anyway so I am desperately trying to lock these windows and now I can't see the bad guy so who knows where he is and the windows are now falling all around me and then I forced myself to wake up and I was sitting there crying. While I had the windows open yesterday I felt fine which made this nightmare even more of a surprise. I rarely have these kind of dreams anymore and if I do it is always the same one and it usually falls closer to the anniversary (it will be nine years in April) of the original incident.

I guess my question is do we ever fully heal? Are we changed or damaged forever when something bad happens? Is it the same when something good happens?

Back on The Horse

I really am trying to get back into the swing of updating this thing - the problem that I am having is I really have nothing new to share.

It is becoming increasingly clear that my marriage is not going to work. Everyday I am closer and closer to feeling like I have done everything I possibly can to row the boat to shore and everyday it feels like the shore gets just a bit father away. Duke has stated that he feels like there is nothing more he can do to make this work, in his words he has given 110% and there is nothing he feels he can improve on or change...hmmm now I don't know about any of you but I know that there is something I can always work on or try differently to effect change in my life. 

So what I really need right now is a J.O.B. With no job I have no money and let me tell you the feeling of helplessness (is this even a word?) is sooooo NOT attractive. I do have an interview lined up in Chicago next week with a major airline (career change anyone?) but other than that I have just been sending a crazy amount of resumes around. So if anyone is hiring I am willing to move and I come pretty cheap - and I work hard.

So I promise to update again very soon with tales of how I broke down crying in my hot Yoga class and also how my sister is doing but for now I need to go running - thank god it's free.

PSA

please, please, PLEASE go over and read what Carole has just written about the HPV vaccine. She has written about it in such a wonderful and moving way. It is time to protect our daughters, sisters and friends from having to deal with this. As I commented on her site, just because a woman chooses to wait to have sex until she is married does not mean that her husband has. Unless a woman is going to be completely celibate for her full  life she needs to have this vaccine.

P.C.H

Dear Dad,

It is fourteen years today that you have been gone. You have now been gone longer than you were here in my life. I have done a lot since you died, it was hard at first and I felt guilty that I was enjoying things that you would never again experience but I know that that is what you would have wanted.

There has been a lot of change for me and the family this last year. Duke and I have moved to the new town and are trying to start a family. I made contact with P. for the first time since your funeral and S. and I are beginning to have a relationship. We even went to his first college football game last night. You would be so proud of him; actually I am sure that you ARE proud of him. I am trying my best to answer his questions about who you are and how you felt about him. I know how hard it is for me that I only knew you for thirteen years so I can only imagine how hard it is for him to have only known you for four. He looks like you. I am proud Dad that I took the initiative to contact him. He is growing into a man more every day.

Your grandson started high school this year and he is playing soccer and will be snowboarding in the winter. C. has done such an amazing job raising him...he must get his soccer skills from you. C. is doing well, she adjusts slowly to change and having A. go to high school and me move so far away has been hard on her. She always forgets that she has more inner strength than all of us.

The other C. is doing okay, even though she is the oldest she has had the hardest time growing up. She just can't seem to get that she needs to make herself happy and sometimes you have to step on a few toes to do that. She tries to take care of everyone always putting others and her patients before herself. My hope for her is that she learns how valuable she is just for being her.

Mom is doing pretty good, she's just one of those 'hey I'm here so I might as well make the best of it people'. She hangs with the family and does some in home care giving on the side, she only takes patients who she feels need a little TLC. I sometimes wish she would meet someone to share the rest of her life with, I think you would have wanted that. She must be lonely sometimes but I also know that she still loves you.

As for me I am doing well. From the suggestion of a friend I started this website so I would have a place to get my thoughts out. I want a family more than anything and I am trying to be patient, you know all good things in their time. I sold my first article to a little entertainment newspaper and I have a strong marriage. If you were still here I have no doubts that you and the Duke would be thick as thieves, all hearty slaps on the back and cigars after golf. I feel very proud to be married to him. In fact I feel very proud that I have created a life that I am proud of and I know you are proud of me.

We all miss you. We may not talk about it out loud but even fourteen years later your presence is felt. It's just hard for us to say it out loud (we are English after all) but I know personally not a day goes by when I don't think of you.

P.C.H.

1944-1992

Choice

In part because of the post over at Cecily's and in part because I would like to get the experience out of my brain and onto paper.

When I first started this blog I wrote about the fact that I was attacked in High School and I had some resulting gynecological problems (and a huge therapy bill) I don't often think about that day sometimes it will come up especially with things like high profile rape cases going on. About a month ago I joined a gym (the person who attacked me had worked for my health club at the time) and as a standard practice I asked if anyone by that name worked there. Unfortunately for me the person I asked wanted to play 20 questions. I told them I had a bad experience with this person and I would not feel comfortable working-out in the same environment as him. I left it at that and considered it a closed topic...Until it came time to do my free training session and Mr. 20 Questions was the guy assigned to me.

The Asshole, and I do feel justified in calling him that, would not drop it. He was far more interested in wanting to know what kind of service I'd had from this person that would be bad enough to not want to belong to the same facility (did I mention he was also lacking any social skills). I apparently was not getting through to him on any level with my repeated response of, "It's not important, please drop it." Finally the douche bag looks at me and says, "Man the only thing I can think of that would be that bad is if like you were to rape a chick in the club or something"  ehh...this is where I lose my cool.

"Umm actually he stole my personal information from my file and he came to my house but I guess you could say the outcome was the same. I think were done here now"

I did manage to shut him for the first time in 2305445 30 minutes. It was then I knew I was going to have a full blown panic attack. I was so angry at him and believe it or not at myself for not having the restraint to just blow him off. I asked him very quietly to not share this with anyone else. It took me almost 10 years to join a (chain) gym again and I did not want to feel weird every time I went in there. I went home and cried..a very ugly cry that very much upset my husband (who wanted to go down to the gym and have a word with the guy) and then I filed it away in the back of my brain. I am writing about it now to get it out of my brain, sometimes saying it out loud takes away the power of the situation.

I had a choice to go back to the gym the next day or to be afraid of what he might have told people. What people might have thought about me. Ten years ago I chose fear, this time I chose me.

We as women are not often afforded the right to come forward and be rewarded for telling the truth. We are called whores, sluts, bitches, liars. We hardly ever get to have our day in court. I let someone win and have the better of me once but I will NEVER let that happen again and neither should you.