Dear S.
I have been quiet. I have been traveling a road so high I sometimes need oxygen to safely navigate this treacherous path you have laid out for me. I am trying. I am trying my best everyday to put myself in your shoes and to understand where you are coming from so I can understand the things you have said to me. I am sad, not just at the loss of our friendship but also for the impression you have carried away of me. I find it impossible that all of your accusations could be true; if they are then I am very sad that I am that person.
You will probably never read this and if you do happen one day to stumble upon this letter I hope it makes you feel embarrassed and just a tiny bit ashamed. That sounds mean and someday I will reread this account and I will think, "jeez that was a bit harsh" but for now I am hurt and that is how I feel. Life is hard enough to navigate without having people who are supposed to be your friends stand in judgment of you. This all began in June when I had surgery and I didn't call you. You felt hurt that in my time of need I did not reach out to you, instead of telling me this you started to ignore me. For a second let us put aside how incredibly selfish it is that you were mad that I did not call you after I had surgery and let us focus on the fact that you were in the middle of your brother's wedding and busy with your own family, I appreciated the phone call to see if I was okay I didn't realize that it needed to be returned immediately or you would be upset.
Ignoring someone and the issue you have with them may work for you in other relationships but to roll in my world I expect my friends to be honest and upfront. I let this go on for weeks because I felt awful and sick and couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time recovering. I finally confronted you in an email, I felt it would make you most comfortable, we talked and it was a great talk and you made it seem as though things were fine between us we started going on walks together and making plans to hang out but every time we were in a social situation that was more than the two of us you would ignore me or even worse the day we were supposed to go to the farmer's market and after you were already 35 minutes late you called to cancel. Things come up everyone knows this but it is unlike you to be that dismissive of another person. I let this go on for far too long without calling you out. When I finally did I was shocked.
You wanted to hash things out over text messaging and by hash those out I mean you wanted to have your say but not hear a response. I read and responded and took this road they call the high one. I said I felt we should have lunch to discuss these things, if our friendship was to be salvageable we needed to understand each other better. I tried to respond to your concerns with compassion and warmth and understanding. You said to me that I think I am better than everyone and in the next breath that I am too self deprecating, you said I am unable to open my circle of friends and then you said that I choose to make money by working nights over being with my family and you lost me forever.
I work at night so that my family may travel and participate in extra activities that one income does not allow for. I work at night to maintain a sense of self outside of my family and to have exposure to conversations that have nothing to do with poop or vegetables. I work at night so that I can spend all day and every weekend with my family really enjoying them and not taking the time I have with them for granted. I work at night because I like to work and I do like to earn money it makes ME feel important and worthy to MYSELF.
I would never judge someone who chooses to work in the home out of the home or on the moon. Kids, no kids, wants kids, hates kids, work is a personal thing. I can see how this would be hard for you to understand never really having had to work in your life (yes this is harsh also but true) you do work twice a week and put your children in daycare which is your choice and as long as that choice is best for you and your family that should be all that matters. Where you get off standing in judgment of what works best for my family is beyond me. I have met your mother several times and as far as I can tell she never raised you to be such a callous and hurtful person.
You said other things, things I won't put in print because I don't care to remember them, I left that lunch with a sense of calm this has nothing to do with me and I wouldn't be surprised if you no longer wanted to be my friend for a whole other set of reasons next week. First it was you couldn't hang out at night and then it was you choose to do your housework and chores during the day so you can hang out at night, so which is it day or night? Why not just be honest and say you don't want to spend time with us.
The only catch and the only reason I have wasted this much energy on you is that our husbands are such good friends. It is not their fault or the fault of our other friends that you, and now I by reaction, are no longer friends. We are still invited to many of the same events and it is ridiculous to think we would just step out of the picture because you changed your mind about me. I have shown up to these events put on a smile and exchanged pleasantries with you. I have been kind and welcoming even including your family at events in our home, for the sake of my husband I have been on this high road. You on the other hand ignore me the whole time, it is uncomfortable FOR EVERYONE. When we were at the petting zoo last week you even went so far as to dis-include my child. My 11month old sweet as sin child from the photographs and certain activities, you can dislike me all you want; you don't even need a reason but take it out on my child and you need to watch your back.
It is 1000% not okay to treat my child like she is less than because I am her mother. It is 10000% not okay to behave that way when we are both invited to the same activity. If you can't get a grip and deal with us being there than perhaps you should stay home. I am done feeling bad for you and I am done feeling bad for me. You can either put aside what ever issue you have and play nice or stay the hell away from my family. I haven't said anything to our friends and I won't because this is the high road after all, but I will not make excuses for you any longer. If you want to throw a fit any and every time your husband comes over to hang out that is his problem to deal with. If you want to be rude to my child than prepare your self for a private calling out, one of which you have never experienced and are unlikely to experience again.
This is my life and the only person(s) I have to answer to are me, my husband and my children. This is the last bit of energy I will allow to be sapped from me on your account. To me you are just a person I once spent a lot of time with. You are nice and you know a lot of people (just ask you) and that is it. Do us all a favor, since your husband is out of town the weekend of S's birthday don't come. It is a time for joy and love and celebration not a place for someone who has no respect or goodwill.
Best of Luck to you,
Duchess

